The Chick With The Striped Socks
by Caseyx457
Summary: Edward is desperate to fit in after his dark childhood. Too bad he's head over heels in love with the outcast of Forks. A typical story of boy meets girl... if the girl was a complete anomaly and the boy was irrevocably obsessed with her. But what's she hiding? Edward is determined to find out.
1. The Magical Town Of Forks?

**The Chick With The Striped Socks.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight**

**Chapter 1: **The magical town of...Forks.

EPOV

**~O~*~O~**

**"**_**People who cannot invent and reinvent themselves must be **__**content with borrowed postures, secondhand ideas, fitting in instead of standing out." ~ Warren G. Bennis.**_

**~O~*~O~**

_Metal collided with water and I knew he'd finally done it._

_He'd killed me._

_Before I could even get a chance to scream, the cold liquid scorc__hed my throat __and halted__ my lungs from working. In any case, screaming was pointless. I'd die in this murky water either way; why not die with some dignity?_

_Death;__ I could feel it coming closer. I could see him in all his horrible glory._

_His bone__y__ hand extended towards me, a shiny scythe in the other._

_Then suddenly, it grabbed me. My eyes got heavy, my body went limp and my sight went black. Death had me in his clutches. Pulling me slowly down and drowning me further._

_Death was supposed to be my en__emy, so why did I revel and relax in his touch?_

_Maybe it was because in my twelve short years, I'd already been through hell __and__ back.__ A__ny other place or form of torture paled in comparison._

* * *

_Forks. _Yep, that's what the town was actually called.

It was the small town of Forks, Washington that was going to be my new home. My Mom and I were making a fresh start with our new family in a new place and I was ecstatic at the prospect... _well, sort of_.

My Mom, Esme, and I had lived in Chicago for thirteen years on the south side of the city. I nicknamed our neighborhood _loser-ville_. We could barely afford to live there as it was. It was hard for us to get by on only one paycheque, My Mom was struggling with..._life. _And it wasn't easy paying rent on bounced cheques and promised wages. My Dad had died when I was one, so my Uncle and Grandfather _helped _us out as much as they could, until the _day it all went to shit__..._

That's why we were going to live with Doctor Carlisle Cullen and his doped-up son, Jasper. Mom met Carlisle while I was being hospitalized in the north side of Chicago four years ago.

He was the doctor who saved my life.

I was practically dead when I arrived but he refused to give up on me, so I guess I kind of owed him for that.

Carlisle had only been in Chicago for a few months before he had to return to his hometown with his son, Jasper. Carlisle's wife skipped town due to postpartum depression, or some shit, and left him with a baby and divorce papers. Still, he loved Jasper as much as any parent should love their kid.

Anyway, Mom and Carlisle fell in love..._ blah blah blah,_ and now they wanted to live together.

Thus forth, bringing us back to the magical town of... Forks. I was trying to stay positive about it. Chicago was all I'd ever known and even though I'd hated it, mostly because of what had happened to us there, I was wary to leave.

Forks was _tiny, _a big change from Chicago_. _And when I say tiny, I mean_ really_ tiny. It was a town where you couldn't fart without everyone knowing about it.

At least in Forks I could have proper friends, maybe even land a few girls. Jasper said I'd be welcomed into school straight away. He was a jock, so he knew his way around and had, as he put it, _'connections'__._

Where I came from, _'connections' _meant a drug dealer on a street corner. Though with Jasper, I wouldn't be surprised.

Jasper was..._well_...an idiot, to put it straight. Though it was mainly due to the fact he was always high as a fucking kite. I wondered if he'd have a semblance of a brain if he didn't get high every second of the day. Carlisle was the smartest guy I knew, Chief of surgery in Forks General Hospital. So how he produced Jasper, I'll never know.

But I guess Jasper was a nice guy. I'd only met him a few times before but, when he wasn't spewing crap that made me feel like every moment I spoke to him I'd lose brain cells, he was alright. Plus we liked some of the same stuff; mainly weed.

"Edward, honey, you're very quiet. Everything okay?" My Mom asked, her gaze not moving from the road as she drove, but her voice filled with concern.

Mom had been very overprotective since the accident. She blamed herself for not being there, for not seeing things sooner. But although I could blame her for some of the things she'd put me through, it wasn't her fault I refused to speak out.

I'd left it too late and we'd both paid the consequences.

I shook my head, trying to rid the sound of my mother's agonized screams, as she begged for my life, from my mind. They were memories I tended to avoid.

"Yeah, everything's fine." She turned to me, her expression telling me she saw through my bullshit. I frowned at her ability to do that. "I guess I'm a bit nervous to be leaving Chicago."

"We're nearly there, honey. Thing's will be great, you'll see. Plus you'll have Jasper there to help you make new friends. Carlisle says he's very popular around here."

"Yeah, that's great mom..." I grumbled. I shuddered at the idea of talking to Jasper's friends if they were like him.

"Oh Edward, look we're here!" My Mom squealed. _Actually fucking squealed. _I smiled at her enthusiasm because I loved seeing her so happy.

My jaw dropped when I saw the house or, should I say mansion. The place was fucking ginormous. It was like the size of the entire apartment building we'd rented in Chicago. I knew Carlisle was rich but _holy shit!_

"Language!"

I hadn't realized I'd said that out loud. "Sorry, Mom."

"Esme, Edward. Welcome home!" Carlisle cheered as he practically sprinted towards my Mom until he had her in his arms. They made out like teenagers while I looked away in disgust.

"Dude!" A voice called. Jasper looked the same as he did the last time I saw him. His shaggy blonde hair was peeking out from under his baseball cap and his ocean blue eyes were glassy as shit. I could smell the weed off his letterman jacket from where I stood. _Did Carlisle not care that Jasper smoked pot? Could I get away with it __too__?_

"Hey," I mumbled back, trying to gain some confidence. I was extremely shy with everyone except my Mom...though sometimes my temper got the best of me with others. Mom had forced me to see, a shrink every week for three years, and he said it was normal after the _traumatic ordeal_ I'd gone through. He also said it was normal for people who had been in my position to have trust issues. _Like he even knew what he __was talking about..._

But I made a promise to myself this year; I was going to make friends and be a normal sixteen year old teenager for once. Most importantly, though, I was going to get laid. I was done being antisocial and I was a good looking guy; I could do it. I didn't have to let my past define who I was now. It had already ruined enough.

"So...you going to school tomorrow?"

"Today is Saturday, Jasper. There's no school tomorrow." I looked at him with a raised brow.

"Sweet!" he shouted and did a sort of fist pump before walking back into the house.

I stared at him in wonder before Carlisle's voice snapped me out of it. "You'll both be fast friends in no time, I promise. And it's good to see you here, Edward. I really hope you'll like your room and if you don't, we'll change things around for you. Anything you want, just name it."

Carlisle was trying really hard to get me to open up to him. He wanted to be my new father. He didn't understand that was _not_ going to happen.

I liked him, how could I not? He saved my life and made my Mom happy. But trusting him was a whole different matter and it didn't come easy to me anymore. The last time my Mom and I had allowed trust, everything went to shit.

"Sure, thanks," I answered curtly. My Mom gave me a _come-on-that's-it?_ look. "Um...I...Uh...I really appreciate it Carlisle, and I'm sure we'll feel like a family in no time?" I didn't mean it to come out sounding like a question but it was the best I could do. Carlisle seemed to eat it up, so I left them both alone and walked into the house.

The house was as big inside as it looked from the outside. It really was incredible. The entrance hall was bigger than our old apartment combined and it had a grand piano in the center. Mom must've informed Carlisle of my music ability; she was so proud of it.

I took a moment to run my hands softly over the keys before taking the staircase that lead to the upper floors. Mom had said my room was on the third floor at the back of the house. She knew I needed my privacy; it was how I dealt with shit.

When I got there, my bedroom was as I expected it to be; boring and empty. There were cream walls, beige curtains, with a king sized bed in the center and a walk-in closet. It didn't feel like mine yet, but once I got my stuff in and unpacked, I could make it work.

_Time to make this house a home, Edward..._

**~O~*~O~**

Saturday and Sunday had gone by quickly and soon I was going to Forks High school with Jasper. His aimless rambling seemed to calm me down a lot so it wasn't as irritating as it normally would have been.

"...and you should have seen it. They were cheering and screaming and then all of a sudden, I caught the football and slammed it on the ground. It was awesome. Dad was so proud of me and after the game, Lauren Mallory sucked my cock because I was the the guy who won for the team. Don't tell Jessica though..."

_Images...Get the images out of my fucking head! _"Great Jasper, thanks for sharing that." Sarcasm dripped from my voice.

"You're welcome, dude. Oh we're here," he noted.

"Jasper, we've been here for the past twenty minutes. Remember, you parked the car, then told me about the game and Lauren...doing _that_ to you?"

"Oh yeah, now I remember. Sorry dude, sometimes I space out," he laughed and got out of the car.

I sighed before stepping out of the car. Jasper was already across the parking lot touching knuckles with his fellow jocks. They were all rocking the same look; baseball hats and their letterman jackets while the girls were in their cheerleading uniforms. It seemed everywhere I looked, Forks High was splashed on someone's head, chest or back.

_Okay, Edward, time to act normal..._

"Guys, this is my brother, Edward," Jasper introduced as I came to stand by him. I gave a sort of awkward wave and felt like slapping myself for looking like an idiot already.

"Step-brother," I added.

A big burly guy, who looked like he could eat me alive, stepped out from the group and I wondered how I could've missed him. "Sup, Edward. I'm Emmett McCarty; quarterback and all round ladies man." He winked at a tall blonde behind him. She rolled her eyes but you could tell she loved the attention.

"Edward Masen, nice to meet you."

"I'm James Chasseur." Another guy with stringy blonde hair called. He had a hint of a French accent and when he smiled, his teeth were all crooked and yellow. I decided automatically that I didn't like him. I was very good at reading people and he gave me the creeps.

I nodded in acknowledgment as introductions were made and I learned the facts about Forks' own popular crowd.

Jessica Stanley was dating Jasper. Jessica seemed to be a total air-head so I assumed her and Jasper had a lot in common.

Mike Newton was a hot-headed idiot. He had it out for Jasper because Jessica had been his girlfriend when Jasper nailed her.

The head cheerleader, Rosalie Hale, was dating Emmett, the quarterback. I found I actually liked Emmett, he wasn't a pea-brain. Rosalie on the other hand seemed shallow and self-absorbed.

Tanya and Irina Denali were sisters and Rosalie's best friends. You'd never saw Rosalie without Tanya and Irina flanked by her side.

Lauren Mallory was the school slut. Everyone had done her. Even Emmett, much to Rosalie's disgust.

James Chasseur was in fact a creep and his girlfriend, Victoria Campbell, was apparently no better.

"Yeah, they're really into having sex in public places. Some weekends people see them naked in the woods doing it against trees and what not. They're totally weird. We only hang with James because he's on the team." Emmett informed me.

"Does that mean I have to join the team?" _I shuddered at the thought._

"No, you're tight with Jasper and me, so you'll do fine."

The bell rang and I went to my first class: biology with Mr. Banner. I could hear everyone whispering as I walked down the hall. They were really fucking lousy at it because I could hear every word they said and I was starting to get pissed off.

"He's the new Cullen..."

"Look at that hair..."

"Total hottie..."

_Wait, __what now?_ I was a hottie. _When did that happen?_ Maybe it wouldn't be so hard to get laid after all_._

"Hello, Mr. Masen. I trust you'll do well in my class and won't give me any trouble." I nodded. "You're partnered with Isabella. She is sitting in the back," Mr. Banner told me, pointing down to an empty chair and desk before he went back to writing on the board.

My partner wasn't there yet, so I took one of the two seats and started taking out my biology shit. My bag fell from the table and my stuff scattered all over the floor. I cursed silently under my breath and bent to pick them up.

"Not a great way to start the day, partner." A cheery voice said and I looked up to find luminously striped pink and yellow knee socks staring back at me. My gaze slowly drifted up to see the two long creamy legs lead to a short green plaid skirt and a red... _Christmas sweater_? Yep, it definitely had Rudolph on it.

The owner of the legs bent down to help me collect my things and fuck if she didn't give me an instant erection. Her long tresses of brunette hair flowed down to below her luscious little breasts and her big brown doe eyes stared back at me in amusement. Her full pink bottom lip was suddenly trapped under her teeth and I had to hold back a groan while thinking of something hideous so I didn't cream my pants.

She was, by far, the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen and already I was having fantasies about those legs, including knee socks, wrapped around me.

"Y-yeah," I stammered and snorted a little, wishing I could die right then and there.

"I'm Isabella Swan, but you can call me Bella. It looks like we're partners, partner. I'm excited, I've never had a partner before..." she mused as she moved to her seat beside me.

I was still a little star-struck, but I told myself to get it together...and also to hide my boner. I doubted she'd like me as much if she saw the hard on I was sporting for her.

When I sat up into my seat, after adjusting my pants discreetly, she seemed to be in a world of her own while she gazed out the window. I wracked my head for something to say to her but my lack of social skills were becoming apparent.

"Um..." She looked at me expectantly and I panicked. "Uh...So...um...Partners?" _That's all you could come up with...?_

She giggled at my stupidity but it was like bells chiming to my ears.

"Yeah, I guess. So what's your name, partner?"

_Fuck, why didn't I think of that?_ "I'm Edward Masen. It's really great to meet you, Bella."

"Back at ya. Wow, you have amazing eyes," she noted and I looked down quickly, embarrassed by her compliment.

"They're just green," I shrugged.

"No, there's so much more than _just green._" A tiny hand touched my cheek and I felt my skin burst into flames. _What was this girl doing to me? _As if I needed more help creaming my pants, now she was touching me! "There's green, that's like the color of emeralds, but then you have these light amber flakes going through your irises like a storm brewing on the horizon. They're really beautiful."

I smiled, because she was cute when she was artsy. "I never thought about it that way. Thank you."

Mr. Banner started the class and all I could think about was how Bella's hand felt on my cheek...well, I also wondered why the fuck she was wearing a Christmas sweater.

**~O~*~O~**

I was amazed to find that Bella was really smart. She knew every question Banner asked, even when I was sure she hadn't been paying attention. So she was beautiful _and_ smart. It was really nice to see there was more to her than just a pretty face. _And shit was it__ pretty..._

When class ended, Bella shot up out of her chair. I hurried to pack my things, determined to talk to her and see if she was dating someone so I could make a move..._or thoroughly embarrass myself in the process._

"Bella?" I called as I ran to catch up with her in the hall.

"What are you doing?" she asked, her brow furrowed in confusion.

"I wanted to talk to you for a minute, if that's okay? Why do you have to be somewhere?"

"Nope, not yet," she said, popping the 'P'. "You run funny by the way. I take it you're not sporty like Jasper?"

My face heated for a moment before I shook my head. "Um...no, definitely not sporty."

"Good, jocks are idiots and you're kinda cool."

"Only kinda?" I hedged, confidence finally making an appearance.

"Yeah, only kinda," she told me, but her expression was teasing. "You have potential though. I guess only time will tell." A crack formed in her mask, although she covered it up quickly. Still I'd seen it. Like I'd said, I was always good at reading people.

_Only time will tell? What was that supposed to mean? _"Wha-"

"I gotta go, Partner. Maybe I'll see you around." She waved and skipped down the hall before I got the chance to finish.

I frowned, waving back slightly as I watched her until she was out of sight. I hadn't gotten to ask her if she was seeing anyone. _Maybe I could ask Emmett or Jasper?_

"Yo Eddie-O!" Speak of the devil...

"Don't call me Eddie." I shivered violently at the name.

"Why Eddie? I find I like the name Eddie. Eddie Eddie Eddie..." Emmett chanted playfully, thinking he was being funny.

I was being brought back to the past.

Memories that should stay buried swam through my mind. My chest seized up and I could feel the icy water on my skin.

"Shut up! I said don't call me Eddie!" I roared. My eyes squeezed shut as I tried to calm myself. It only took around two minutes to come back to myself and I was instantly filled with regret. How was he to know that's what _he_ used to call me?

"I'm...I'm really sorry, Emmett-" I tried but he cut me off.

"Don't worry about it. If anything, I'm the one who's sorry. I won't call you that again, I swear."

"Thanks, I appreciate it."

I walked alongside him down the hall, my episode long forgotten. It seemed Emmett was a very popular guy, every second someone new offered him their hand to touch knuckles with. I was kind of jealous.

"So, any chicks catch your eye yet?"

"Yeah, actually, one did." I smirked crookedly in return, remembering Bella.

"Oh Edward, you dog! You're not even here an hour and you're already picking what innocent prey you'll feed on first."

"I think you're watching too much animal planet."

"Yeah, Rosie say's that too. Anyway, who's the lucky girl?" he questioned, nudging me with his elbow. It really fucking hurt actually. The guy was pure muscle. I felt so scrawny next to him.

"I don't know if she has a boyfriend yet, so I don't think I'll make a move." That was code-word for … _I don't know anything about girls so I'm too big of __a fucking wimp to ask her out._

"Do you know who your step brother and your new best friend are? We own this school. Make a move on whomever you want, Edward. They'll all fucking run for the hills if they see you're coming after their girl. Now who is it?"

"Um...Bella...Bella Swan. She's my biology partner and, well, she's fucking beautiful and smart. She's all artsy and stuff. I like her."

I didn't register that Emmett had abruptly stopped after I'd said Bella's name. His face looked like I'd told him I was in love with Rosalie and that I'd already built a shrine to her.

"Tell me you're joking."

"Why would I be joking? What's wrong?" Did she have some big bad-ass boyfriend that could kill anyone? Was she a member of the chastity club? _Okay, the chastity thing I could handle but maybe not the boyfriend._

"You're talking about Bella Swan? That chick with the striped socks?"

When he mentioned the socks, I was instantly brought back to my fantasy of her legs wrapped around me while I pounded into her tight wet cunt. I definitely stored that image of her away in the spank bank. _Those socks did things to me, very naughty things..._

"Yeah, that's Bella alright." As soon as I'd said that, he grabbed me by my shirt and dragged me into one of the bathrooms. I nearly shit my pants and my breathing began to pick up.

_Emmett won't hurt you... _I chanted to myself over and over again until he released me.

The guys in there only glanced at Emmett before they ran away, as fast their legs could take them. Once everyone was gone, Emmett looked at me with a serious expression.

"Edward, think of school like a pyramid, okay? First you have the popular kids; jocks and the cheerleaders. Then you have Indies, who read poetry and shit. Then the art freaks, nerds, emo's, goths and _then_ you have Bella Swan's kind. In fact, her and her weird little friends don't even have a group, that's how crazy they are. How can you like her? She's like the outcast of Forks! She's wearing a fucking Christmas sweater in the middle of spring, for fuck sake!" Emmett shouted before he took a breath and continued.

"Now you, Edward, are on the fine line of popularity because of Jasper and me. If you're seen hanging out with or, even worse, _dating_ Bella Swan, people will place you in that outcast group along with her. Not even Jasper and I can get you out of there, man."

"I'm sure you're exaggerating-"

"Jasper said you didn't have friends in Chicago, right?" I looked away in embarrassment, before I nodded. "So if you want to fit in here, you're going to need to listen to me; stay away from that chick."

He was gone before I had time to respond.

**~O~*~O~**

As I lay in bed that night, all I could think about was _her._

Emmett said that if I wanted to fit in, which I really _really_ did, I needed to stay away from her. I wasn't sure I could though.

I didn't think there was anything wrong with Bella. Sure, she was quirky, but quirky in a really adorable kind of way. Her artistic side was inspiring and it made me see things I would've never seen had it not been for her. Those socks she had on only made her legs look longer and her tiny skirts made me wish I'd been behind her when she bent down to help me collect my books. _Annnd I'm hard again..._

But I found myself not only wanting her for sex. I wanted other stuff too. Though I had no idea how I'd even get that without trusting her. And I couldn't do that...I couldn't trust anyone but myself.

Though would I risk alienation from the entire Forks high student body for just _one_ girl?

My head said _no_.

The hand that was rubbing my dick said_ hell yes!_

**~O~*~O~**

I tried not to think about her, but I couldn't help it; everything reminded me of Bella.

Like when I was thinking of my Mom's home-made cherry pie, I'd somehow manage to turn it into something to do with Bella: _I love cherry pie. Mom only makes pie at Christmas. Bella's boobs look AMAZING in Christmas sweaters and I really want to pop Bella's cherry__..._

I was doomed. Fucking _doomed_.

"Mr. Cullen, do you have anything to add?" Mr. Caius asked and I looked frantically at the board to see what the hell he was talking about. But nope, Istill had no idea_. I'd have to wing it..._

"Um...twenty eight?" I blurted. The whole class erupted in laughter.

"Very funny, seems we have a class clown in our midst. Speak with me at the end of class."

I cursed under my breath.

Isabella _fucking_ Swan was going to be death of me.

**~O~*~O~**

Turns out the answer was not twenty eight, since I was in _English._

I didn't think Mr. Caius would understand if I told him I was far too busy fantasizing about Bella's boobs in a sweater to concentrate on the lesson. Maybe I was having Bella withdrawals? I mean, I hadn't seen her all day and that was too fucking long!

"I won't tolerate this, Mr. Masen."

"I don't expect you to," I mumbled, looking at the floor bashfully.

"So, what? My class is a game to you? A challenge to see how long it'll be before I throw you out?"

My head sprung up. The asshole was twisting my words. "No...I-"

"Good. Then I won't be seeing you after school hours again. Do you hear me?" Mr. Caius asked sternly. I had a feeling it was rhetorical but I wished I had the balls to tell him to shove it.

Instead, like the wimp I was, I murmured an apology and ran like a bat out of hell away from him. I practically rammed myself into the door, trying to make my escape, swinging it open before I heard a loud _WHACK_! Next, I heard a body hit the floor on the other side.

Because things rarely went my way, I already knew who'd be lying on the ground when I opened the door.

"Oh shit! Bella?"

* * *

**Yay, I love new stories! What do you think? Edward isn't such a smoothward in this story is he?**

**Anyway, PLEASE PLEASE leave a review and tell me what you think. I'd really like to know if it sucks or not.**

**Thank you to my Beta RND4EVA, who has been amazing and puts up with my crazy.**

**I know this is being published on a Sunday but it will be updated every _Thursday._**

**Thanks for reading and hopefully I'll see you here again,**

**~ Casey**


	2. A Stupid Choice I Made

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.**

**Chapter 2: **A Stupid Choice I Made.

**~O~*~O~**

_My ears were ringing and I shook with the cold...or it could have been fear. Hands grabbed, __pulled and prodded at me, but my eyes refused to open; darkness was all that surrounded me._

_Was this heaven or had I been refused entry? _

_Slowly my ears began to work and when __I heard__ the sheer agonized howling of my mother, I wished they'd stayed brok__en. As my mother's cries grew further away, disappearing in the distance, I picked up on deep voices surrounding me instead. They were calling me by name and saying other things I didn't have time to make out. My mind was still fuzzy and they were speaking__ way too fast._

_Suddenly, I was lifted from wherever I had been placed and I mentally sighed in relief; finally I would get peace._

_Where no monsters lurked in the darkness waiting to pounce._

_Where I wouldn't live in fear..._

"_EDWARD!" My mother screamed and __the noise ripped through my entire body._

_Unease settled into my skin. _Would my Mom ever get peace now I was gone?_ I knew the answer already... because it would be just like it was when my father died._

_No; she'd blame herself._

_Only this time, she wouldn't h__ave anyone to keep living for._

* * *

"_Oh shit! Bella?"_

She was sprawled out on the floor, her books scattered and her hair covering her face. I had no idea if I'd knocked her out or not. _Hell...I didn't even know if she was alive..._

Typical, first week of school and,_ already,_ I've killed someone.

"Ow..." I heard a small voice croak and I nearly died of relief. _Thank God, she wasn't dead..._

"Fuck, I'm so sorry," I slapped my head before I corrected myself. "Shit, I'm sorry for saying fuck. Damn, I said it again and I said shit. Shit...fuck...oh my God, are you okay?" I finally managed to choke out.

Bella laughed quietly on the floor as she blew the curtain of hair from her face. "Dude, you need to learn how to chill. I'm fine; my head absorbed most of the blow. Are you okay?"

I nodded slowly, mortified that I had assaulted the girl of my dreams with a door and yet still had an erection.

"Can you help me up?" she asked and held her small hand out to me.

I hesitated. It nearly drove me insane when she touched my cheek that day in Biology. I had already embarrassed myself in front of this girl enough for the entire year; did I really need to walk myself into another reason for her to tell me to get lost?

But touching her would be like licking the spatula after making a chocolate cake; it wasn't healthy for me, but it was so good, you couldn't resist. This was like licking the chocolate spatula of.._.love_... or whatever.

I just _really_ wanted to touch her.

Determined, I slowly but surely held my hand out to her. Her warm skin touched mine and set my body aflame, soaring and trembling. Suddenly I was having, not so innocent, fantasies about where else her hand could touch me.

_Painfully hard... let go soon..._My head screamed.

I needed to get away from Bella. Her scent was invading my senses and swimming around my head, working its way into my brain until I was left a bumbling idiot.

I heaved her up quickly with all my might and then... **BAM!**

Our heads crashed together so hard I was seeing double.

I don't think she anticipated me to haul her up with that much strength. I probably shouldn't have had my head down low when she was coming up either. So technically this one wasn't all on me, she'd played a part too.

"Ouch, fuck!" I shouted as I rubbed my head to try and quell the ache.

"Oh jeeze, Edward. I'm sorry. I guess I owed you one," she joked and stood to her full height, while I sat on the ground rubbing my _boo boo_ like a pussy. _Get it together Cullen..._

"Yeah," was all I managed to reply. Why am I so awkward? How hard is it to talk to people? _Come on Edward, time to be smooth_. "So, you're sure you're okay?"

She snorted and blushed. I thought it was cute. "Oh yeah. Believe it or not, I'm kinda used to it."

I gave her a lopsided grin as I helped her collect the last of her books. "What? You make a habit of running into doors?"

She seemed in a daze for a moment before she shook herself out of it. "Let's just say your Dad and the staff at the E.R know me well."

I tried to control my frown at the use of the word '_Dad'_. "Um...Carlisle's not my Father."

She cringed. "Shit, I'm sorry..._again."_

"No, don't worry about it." I really just wanted to know what she meant yesterday when she said '_Only time will tell'.__ "_But I wanted to ask you something..."

"Can I take a rain check?" Bella asked, looking at the time on the clock behind me. "I'm late for an art thing and I doubt Riley-er..._Mr Heinrichs_ will believe I'm late because I got attacked by a door."

I'd forgotten she was artistic. I hadn't heard that there were extra classes after school though. _Maybe I could get an artistic side..._

"Oh, right. Yeah, sorry for keeping you. I'll talk to you later...maybe?"

"Yeah," she agreed, beginning her march down the hall to her art room. "I'll catch you later."

She was gone before I could blink. _Again._

**-O~O~O-**

Bella's long chocolate hair flowed down her back leaving me with a full view of her front. Her perky breasts begged me to suck them, so how could I resist? My tongue worked her hardened peaks, swirling around them and occasionally biting into them.

"Edward..." she moaned, her back arching as I ground myself into her.

"What do you want, baby?" I asked with a cocky smirk on my face as she blushed and her teeth attacked her bottom lip.

Suddenly I was pinned on the floor and she was above me, holding me down as she ravaged my neck like a vampire hungry for blood. _My_ blood.

"You," she answered and I heard my zipper being lowered before I felt her hand wrapped around me. Her tiny hand was so fucking warm and perfect. She ran it up to the tip, swirling her hand before going back down the base.

She hummed, "It's so big and manly."

"Oh...Awh...hoh..." They were literally all the sounds I was capable of making while she touched my cock. I was about to lose my shit after about forty seconds of foreplay. _Great... _How the fuck would I handle being inside of her?

"Edward..." she breathed, seeing that I was close.

I was nearly there, everything was tightening...I could taste my release drawing nearer. She didn't seem opposed to me coming in her hand so I figured, _when in Rome._

"_Edward..."_

"Awhhh...awhhh!" I cried and panted as I spilled everything I had out of me and onto my stomach. It only took me a second to realize that I wasn't pinned beneath a beautiful girl but in my room, holding my dick with a spunk filled hand.

"Edward, sweetie are you okay?" My Mom asked, turning the knob to enter my room. Luckily, I'd had the foresight to lock it the night before. "I've been calling you for the past five minutes, are you okay?"

"Uh...yeah, Mom. I'll be out in a minute," I called back, my voice hoarse.

"Are you sick or something? Do you want me to get Carlisle?"

"No...I'm fine."_ Better than fine... although a bit sticky..._

"Okay, sweetie. Breakfast is on the table and I want a word with you before you go to school."

I groaned. I already knew what she was going to say. Why could we not go one week without an argument?

After I had cleaned up and headed downstairs, I went into the kitchen to find everyone having _family_ time together at the breakfast table. Jasper looked half asleep over his cereal but maybe he was just really stoned this morning, and Carlisle was sitting at the table reading the paper and drinking coffee with my mom perched beside him.

"Edward," Mom greeted with a cheery smile and Carlisle did the same.

I made an effort and forced a smile in Carlisle's direction.

"Sup, Eddie-" Jasper nodded and my Mom threw a frantic look at me, telling me with her eyes not to freak out.

It was futile considering my eyes were squeezed shut, my fists were clenched and I was working on controlling my breathing so I wouldn't shut down completely.

Everyone in the kitchen seemed to be aware that I was losing my shit and gave me a moment to calm myself down. I really needed to learn to get a handle on it or Mom would _force_ me go to that bat-shit crazy shrink again.

All the guy ever wanted to do was pop me full of pills that made me sick and talk about my father. Like it would make any fucking difference if I talked about a man who had been dead for fifteen years.

"Jasper, his name is Edward; you'll call him nothing else," Carlisle told him sternly, putting down the newspaper to give him the _don't-fuck-with-me _look that all parents have.

"Sorry," he mumbled, not fully comprehending what he did wrong before he picked up his stuff before made an escape._ Lucky shit..._

"Edward, will you sit with us for a moment?" Carlisle asked, gesturing to one of the empty chairs on the other side of the table.

I sighed, definitely knowing what this talk was about now.

"First off, we would like to offer you my old car to get to school and what not. There's no public transport in asmall town like this so I'd be happy to give you the Volvo."

_Huh, that wasn't what I was expecting_. "Um...Thanks."

Carlisle looked at my mom hesitantly for a moment before speaking. "Secondly..."

_Fuck, I knew it._

"I'm not going back," I stated as I sat down. Mom threw me a pleading look but nothing she could do or say would weaken my resolve.

"Your mother and I just think it would be good for you to go..."

"I said no."

"You're not even listening to what we have to say-"

"Fine, I'll listen then," I growled before continuing. "Go where, Carlisle? To get pumped full of pills by your fucking doctor friends until I call you papa? I've been there and it did a whole lot of nothing for me-"

"Edward, what has gotten into you? You do not speak to Carlisle or me that way. _E__ver_!" My Mom fumed.

"Then don't insult me by implying I need to go back to that idiot. I'm not that messed up."

"As parents, we're worried about you," My Mom added and I had to take deep breaths because I was seeing red.

"Let's not forget who the parent was in Chicago!" I shouted, standing up as my chair fell to the floor behind me. I knew it was a low-blow but I couldn't stop the words from spilling from my mouth. My Mom's face crumbled and her eyes filled with tears.

Yet, I couldn't stop, the words kept on coming. It was like word-vomit.

"I agreed to come live here because I like Carlisle and he's good to you. But you both need to remember that my _father_ is dead and I'm sorry Carlisle," I turned to give him my full attention. "Trust isn't something I give easily."

"I'll work to earn your trust if you work to give it," Carlisle said, standing up to look me in the eyes.

I snorted and grabbed my jacket. "You can try as hard as you like. I'm not promising you anything."

**~O~*~O~**

I drove to school in a hurry to get out of the house. The guilt at snapping at my Mom seeped in when I'd hit the highway to go to school and although I knew she'd forgive me the second I got home, it did nothing to rid me of the feeling.

Thankfully, I had the foresight of bringing my stash with me without Mom knowing when I left Chicago. And I was happy that when Mom informed me of our talk; I'd filled my flask up.

I knew I'd need it.

It seemed like years ago that I was sitting on the roof of my old school drinking bourbon from a flask to get away from it all. Now here I was again, sitting in the marshy, wet forest behind my new school drinking vodka. _How I've evolved..._

At twelve thirty, I couldn't take school anymore, so grabbed my flask and left. At one I was slightly tipsy and by now I was sort of hammered. How I was getting home would be a problem in itself but for now, I didn't give a shit.

"Edward, is that you?" A soft voice called as I nursed the last precious drops of my vodka.

"Be-lllll-aaa," I sang, and laughed because it sounded funny when I said it.

"Whoa, never too early to party huh?" she giggled as she came forward. Today she was wearing luminous pink knee socks, black and white striped shorts with red suspenders, a crisp white shirt and a purple wig. _I fucking adored her..._

"Well then, it's a shit party because I'm depressed as fuck! It'd be better if you were here though..." I trailed off, patting the spot beside me and giving her a smile.

"You're lucky I can make out drunk-talk otherwise I wouldn't know what you just said."

I laughed because she was so pretty. And then I fell off the tree stump I was sitting on, right onto my ass before rolling forward and taking her with me as I fell.

I was right above her then. Her body pressed against mine and she seemed to be as wrapped up in me as I was in her. Her eyes seemed to look right into me and the intensity of her gaze almost made me look away._ Almost._

My mouth was inches away from hers and her brow furrowed. A bit closer and we could be kissing. The air was thick with tension around us and I knew this was my only shot._ And what did I do?_

I ruined it because I was off my ass drunk.

Another round of laughter rippled through me and I had to roll off her and break our connection because I was that hysterical.

"What's so funny?" she asked, a tiny smile forming on her face as she shuck off whatever we had going on.

"It seems...I always have a way of getting you...on your back!" I choked out and she looked at me like I was crazy before joining in.

"Jesus Christ, you are drunk."

"Yeah, I really am." I laughed harder.

"I kinda like it though, you're not as uptight and guarded when your drunk."

"Uptight?" I snorted, trying to look offended.

She turned to look at me and I swear for a moment when I looked at her, I forgot who I was, where I came from and where I was heading. She had that effect on me.

"Yeah," Bella smiled, biting her bottom lip gently. "It's like you're always trying to figure out what the right thing is to say when you haven't even realized that it doesn't matter what other people think. You're a cool guy Edward; you have that aura about you. If other people can't see that, screw them."

When she put it like that, it actually made sense to me. I could see myself like Bella, not caring what others thought about how I dressed or how I acted. I could be a free-spirit, having fun and seeing where it got me. But doing it was something I don't think I'd ever be able to do.

Bella was so pure. She didn't know the evil that was in the world. How no one could be trusted. She didn't know what being alone truly felt like, no matter how the people of Forks labeled her, she had friends and family. She'd never truly been an outcast. Unwanted. _I had._

"Not caring is something I don't think I'd be able to do," I shrugged. "No matter how much I wished I could. I can't be alone again."

She looked at me in confusion and I could see she wanted to question me, but thankfully she decided to let it go. Probably because of the pleading look I was giving her not to ask.

We laid there, her by my side in a little circular field I'd stumbled across, as I waited for myself to sober up.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" I blurted. I propped myself up on one of my elbows to look at her, hoping I could get another opening to kiss her.

She seemed to hesitate before answering. "No, I guess I don't."

I tucked a stray piece of brown hair that had slipped out from the confines of her purple wig back in. I was pleased to see a soft blush appear on her cheeks as I did.

"You guess?"

She shrugged and a frown pulled at her lips. "Life is complicated. Then again, I'm sure you know that."

"What makes you think that?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Because if you didn't you wouldn't be hammered at one thirty in the afternoon."

I chucked, though it was slightly bitter in my mouth. "You have no idea."

"I think I do," she muttered, not intending me to hear it.

"Why are you out here anyway?"

She sat up, tucking her legs in and holding them with her arms so she was tucked into a small Bella-ball.

"I'm hiding."

"Hiding?" I raised an eyebrow. "What from?"

"A stupid choice I made," Bella answered, her voice barely above a whisper.

I didn't really know what to say then because her eyes were clearly begging me not to push the subject any further. Plus, I owed her for not pushing me to tell about my business. But I knew I had to say something. She looked so vulnerable and tired. I felt compelled to help her.

"Everyone makes mistakes," I told her. _God only knows I had_...

"It wasn't a mistake. It was a_ choice_. A stupid one I had to make."

"If you had to make it, it's not really a choice then, is it?" I laughed humorously and felt my head become a bit clearer than it had been before. Hopefully I could sober up enough before school ended.

"No, you're right. But I feel freer when I describe it as a choice." She frowned before looking at a bird fly overhead in the grey gloomy sky. Her expression turned longing, like she'd give anything to trade places and fly away.

I envied her because she probably could if she wanted. _Get out of here, I mean._ That would never be an option for me. I wasn't smart enough to get into a good college away from here and I wasn't dumb enough to leave my Mom behind.

Although she'd abandoned me more than once in my life, she was all I had left.

It was then I realized Bella wasn't as happy and unaffected by Forks as she let on. Something was wearing her down. I had a feeling it wasn't just the students of Forks High who ignored or bullied her daily. It was something..._or someone else._

She shook whatever was troubling her off and donned a new mask, keeping up the charade. She was no longer this helpless, abased girl but a strong and confident woman who was determined not to show her weaknesses.

Bella Swan was hiding something. Something that was eating at her.

I remembered a time when I had something big to hide. I shuddered to think of her situation being similar to mine.

I looked up and watched as she held her hand out, almost like it was sign. She was extending the hand of friendship toward me and although I would gladly accept that, a part of me...a big part of me, wanted _more_.

Her eyes met mine and again I felt this magnetic current pull me toward her as I placed my hand in hers. It was strange. I'd never gone this long, even when I was drunk, talking to someone who was practically a stranger without wanting to make up an excuse and leave.

This was it. She was holding my hand. Talking to me like no one had ever done before. This was another opening to kiss her and I was going to take it this time.

My body seemed to ease forward on its own and she didn't seem opposed to my new position which was _very _close to her.

My skin tingled as I got closer and my heart beat out of my chest with adrenaline.

I leaned in.

I felt her breath on my lips.

Her eyes were closed.

My body was humming as I moved in the last little centimeter to her lips.

Her breathing began to turn frantic.

_Almost there._

My lips skimmed hers and her breath caught.

Then she pulled away.

She didn't want me to kiss her. _Fuck._

Rejection flooded through me and I wished I hadn't drank the vodka so quickly.

"Well...um...We should go. I have to get to..art...with Mr Heinrichs."

"Fuck him," I blurted, not wanting her to run away again before I got a chance to say anything. "Stay here with me."

I don't know what happened, but she just crumbled before me. Her mask shattered into thousands of tiny pieces leaving her an open book to me.

"I can't-"

Oh, so that's how it was. "I get it."

"No, I want to," Bella breathed, her voice barely above a whisper, as she played with one of the suspenders on her shorts. "I just really can't."

"Then come back here tomorrow."

She mulled it over in her head. "When?"

"Same time."

"On one condition..." she started, bits of the old Bella surfacing as she spoke.

"Anything. Just name it."

She pointed to my flask with an sexy glint in her eye. "We share next time."

* * *

**Hey everyone,**

**So I know this took a bit longer to get out but you know how RL is. Updates will still be every Thursday.**

**Thank you all so much for your reviews and don't forget to leave another :)**

**Thank you to my Beta, RND4EVA, she's been a great help to me so thanks Dee.**

**I hope you liked this chapter anyway and that you'll stick around.**

**Till next time,**

**Casey**


	3. The Truth Is I'm A Teenager

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight**

**Chapter 3:** The truth is...I'm a teenager.

**-O~*~O-**

"_Edward...Edward...baby, can you hear me?" A haggard voice sobbed into my ear._

_I had no idea where I was. I kept coming in and out of consciousness. My body throbbed and ached, like I'd been hit with a truck carrying a load of bricks and then slammed into a wall...repeatedly._

_I wanted to moan, scream, __and__ beg__ for anyone to make the pain go away. I d__idn't remember it being so bad before. Maybe I had to suffer for how bad I'd been in the past. _

"_Mrs.__ Mason," A deep voice spoke from somewhere in the darkness and I felt my body go stiff. _Was he here? "_He's stable now. We're going to keep an eye on him __and give him something for the pain. Is there anyone else w__e should call? Another relative or a__ family friend__ perhaps __...?"_

"_No," the voice whispered, and I recognized it as my Moms. "It's just us now-"_

_Another wave of blackness swept over me and the pain struck me again. This time it felt like my body was on fire and it was spreading over me and into my veins. It crept its way up my legs and onto my stomach. My breathing had become erratic and I could picture the flames about to reach my heart._

_But before it could, a cooling sensation spread over my body and granted me relief from the torture._

_Something touched my forehead and I urged myself to run from it and protect myself, but my body wouldn't comply._

"_I'm so sorry, Edward."_

* * *

I paced nervously in the meadow awaiting Bella's arrival. I was sweating like a pig and I had no idea what I'd actually say to her when she got here. It was one thing to speak to her when I had some liquid courage but now...I wasn't drunk or stoned. I had to be smooth or she wouldn't want anything to do with me.

And though I barely knew her, even completely drunk, I could see she needed an ally, a friend...anything really to take the burden off her. And I was prepared to be that.

A noise from the bushes startled me and I spun to see Bella emerge from the greenery.

I smiled when I saw she what she was wearing; a green pair of ripped up shorts, black knee high socks with a swirly pattern and a light blue top that said '_Pugs...not drugs'._ She wasn't wearing a wig today; instead her brown hair was piled into a messy bun on top of her head.

"What?" she asked, when she noticed me blatantly ogling her.

"Nothing...um...you look nice."

She smirked and stepped further into the field, closer to me. "Are we back to being all shy with each other again?" When I said nothing, she continued, "Because we don't have to be. I won't judge you, Edward. Not for anything."

The sincerity in her words almost made me believe her. But not judging people was an impossible task. Everyone did it, whether they wanted to or not.

_But I didn't tell her that._

"I believe you," I lied.

"Good, because I'm telling the truth."

She came over and plunked herself down on the damp grass and I quickly followed suit.

"I made good on my promise," I told her, taking out a bottle of Vodka from my coat pocket.

She looked at the bottle for a moment before a shiver ripped through her body.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

She turned and gave me a pleading look, her eyes begging me not to ask. So I didn't. Instead I just handed her the bottle and let her drown whatever memory she was replaying in her head away.

Then, once she taken her fill, cheery Bella came back. It was like she was trying to fool me with her carefree gaze and the sexy glint that shone in her eye. I _ha__ted_ it. "So, what's-"

"Don't do that," I cut her off.

"Don't do what?"

"Put that mask on and pretend you don't go through all that shit you do every day."

She looked at me like I had two heads, her mouth hanging open. "How do you...?"

I laughed bitterly. "Because I've been wearing that same mask my entire life." Tears welled in her eyes but she looked away. She didn't want me to see her vulnerable. "You don't have to be that person with me."

She looked at me then, her brown eyes troubled. "I don't know how to be anyone else."

"You could just be yourself," I argued.

"I don't even know who that is anymore."

"I could help you find her," I promised her. "You could allow yourself to be pissed off with me. To hate everything that's dragged you down. You could sit here with me and waste time goofing off... but I bet in the end doing anything would be better than nothing at all."

A smirk played in the corner of her lips and I didn't feel quite so nervous anymore.

"Who are you, Edward?" she laughed.

I looked at her blankly. "Who am I?"

"It's just...when I first saw you, I thought you'd be like everybody else. Sure, you didn't really fit in at first, but I imagined it'd only be a matter of time until you were like the rest; laughing at others, fucking anything that moves...But you're _different_."

"Different?" I asked. _Great, she did think I was a freak..._

"Yeah," she smiled again and her cheeks flushed scarlet. It was fucking adorable. "You're a good guy, Edward. I hope being here doesn't change that about you."

Her fallen smile and the shame that swam in her eyes told me that she was trying to warn me. Obviously being here had changed her and I'm guessing not for the better.

"Bella?"

She lay back onto the grass softly, her eyes still trained on me. But for that moment, as the sun sparkled on her skin, her eyes coming alight and the flush in her cheeks coming down to a warm glow, I swear I couldn't remember anything. I could only think how truly beautiful she was, inside and out. No matter what she was hiding.

"Edward?" she called, seemingly trying to snap me out of my haze.

"Nothing," I replied, whatever I was going to say seemed pointless now. So I lay back onto the grass with her.

We talked then. About everything and nothing.

She told me about things she enjoyed most; painting and photography. She told me that she lived with her mother and that, like me, her father had died when she was young. She told me about how she and her mother couldn't get along, that they fought a lot.

"She doesn't understand that I can't be perfect. That I don't want to shop in designer stores or look like whatever skinny blonde is on the runway. She can't stand the way I dress or that my room is filled with art supplies, photos and sketches."

I smiled, imaging Bella painting in a tiny room; paint splashed everywhere while she's in another place, painting whatever comes to mind. It seemed the perfect fit for her.

She shrugged. "But it's important to me; it's who I am and I don't care if it's not considered normal or cool."

"You're right," I told her. "You shouldn't care and I envy you for it. I wish I could be like that."

"You can, Edward. It's easy."

I scoffed. "Yeah, for _you_ it's easy. Because you've never been totally alone. You don't understand what it like is to have everything you've known taken from you by the people you trust most."

There was a pregnant silence and I could feel her eyes on me. I couldn't believe I'd said that. But thankfully, she dropped it.

And I guess that was our deal. If it got too much, we wouldn't pry, just move on.

We spoke some more, and she told me that she had one friend in LaPush, which was outside of Forks. His name was Jacob and she'd known him her whole life. But he'd started dating Alice Brandon, who hated Bella with a passion. So she didn't see him much anymore.

"But why? Wouldn't you go to visit when Alice isn't around?" I asked.

She shook her head. "Alice is _always_ around, especially when I am."

"Is she jealous of your friendship with Jacob?"

Bella shrugged. "You'd have to ask her that."

Suddenly she jumped up and looked at the darkening sky. "Shit, what time is it?"

"Um...ten after four. We've been here a while." It hadn't felt like long at all.

"Fuck!" She scrambled for her bag, "Riley's going to kill me."

"The art teacher?" I asked and she spun around.

"Um, yeah. Mr Heinrichs; my art teacher. He told me to be there by three thirty and he's going to be pissed."

She made a move to go but I caught her wrist. "You're coming back tomorrow, right?"

She looked at me, her eyes seeming to stare straight through me before she gave me a timid smile and a nod. "Yeah, I'll be here."

**~O~*~O~**

Mom was waiting in my room for me when I got home.

"Sit down," she ordered and I did.

"What's going on?"

"We need to talk about what's going on with you." I groaned. I fucking hated having this conversation.

"Nothing's going on with me. I'm fine," I assured her.

"You're fine," she repeated, her voice disbelieving. "Then why did I find an empty bottle of vodka in your jacket today and... Oh my God! Is that another one?" Her hand grabbed at the pocket of my hoody, finding the half bottle from today's talk with Bella.

"Mom, it's nothing. I found it in my car and I'm just bringing it inside. I figured it's Carlisle's since the Volvo used to be his," I lied.

"That would be a good excuse if Carlisle drank, Edward." _Fuck..._

I sighed, rubbing my face with my hands. "What do you want me to say, Mom?"

"I want you to tell me the truth."

I stood up. "The truth is... I'm a teenager. We do shit like this."

"Not on this level-"

"Oh bullshit! Jasper smokes pot like a fucking chimney and I don't see Carlisle lecturing him."

"I'm not Carlisle and we're talking about you. Stop this," she held up the bottle. "It won't make things better, only worse."

I resisted the urge to say, _"Yeah, you'd know that, wouldn't you?"_

So instead, I did what I always did. I relented and lied. "Okay, Mom. I won't do it again."

-O~O~O-

I waited for her the next day in the meadow behind school.

_And waited._

_And waited._

But she never showed.

In fact I didn't see her all that day, or the next. It was like she was purposely avoiding me.

Thursday I moped around at the fact Bella was avoiding me.

Friday, I was hurt and melancholic.

But by Saturday, I was fucking _angry._ Who did she think she was? Having a big meaningful conversation with me, pretending I was her friend and then fucking ignoring me? Did I mean that little to her?

So when Jasper asked me if I wanted to party, instead of like all the others when I said, _"Nah it's not my scene."_ I replied with, "Yeah, I want to get wasted."

Then I don't really remember much after that.

I remembered getting into Jasper's car with Emmett and all their minions, then smoking a joint.

I remembered getting to someone's house, fucking high as shit and drinking my weight in tequila and shots of various kinds.

I remembered someone bringing me upstairs, there fingers playing in my hair and whispers in my ear. Then getting sick in someone's bedroom.

Then I remembered this morning, when I woke up with a deadly hangover and naked next to Lauren Mallory.

_I think I'm going to be sick again..._

* * *

**Uh Oh! Edward's in trouble! *Radio host voice* _"Tune in next weak to see how Edward deals with losing his virginity..." _Yeah... I think I'll stick to my day job. **

**Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed and is reading so far. I loved each and every review I recieved and please leave another.**

**Thank you to my Beta, RND4EVA, for being so amazing. :)**

**Anyway, I know this chapter is shorter than the others but next Thursdays update will make up for that. So come by again.**

**Don't forget to review before you go ;)**

**Bye,**

**Casey**


	4. Whatever Dignity I Have Left

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight**

**Chapter 4:** Whatever Dignity I Have Left

**~O~*~O~**

_It felt like months-no _years _until the pain began to dull and I was allowed peace. I didn't hear voices anymore, so either I was __dead or my Mom had stopped coming to see me._

_Death, to me anyway, was the better option._

_If Mom wasn't coming anymore, that only meant one thing; she was drinking again. She had a tendency to forget things when she was drunk. For example, picking me up from school or paying bills. Maybe this was another thing she forgot._

_I knew I should care that my mother was probably drunk off her ass somewhere, but at the moment, I didn't have it in me. All I wanted to do was revel in the numbness and sleep forever. I wa__s so _very_ tired._

_But even though black numbness was all that surrounded me, sleep seemed to evade me. My mind never shut off and three words kept resurfacing over and over again._

_Is _he_ dead?_

**~O~*~O~**

"Oh fuck...oh my fucking God!" I whispered to myself, while I tried to scramble into my clothes and get away from here.

I couldn't believe what I'd done. _What kind of person am I?_I'd given my virginity to the school slut. I didn't even know if we'd used protection. _Oh no, wait, I just stood on a used cond__om...thank God..._

But just as I was about to reach for the handle and rush out the door, Lauren's nasally voice stopped me. "Where are you going, Lover?"

I shivered in disgust. "Home," I answered automatically. I turned and caught sight of her hurt expression. "Um...I'm sorry about last night."

She crossed her arms over her naked chest. "Yeah...well...you should be. It was totally average."

I stood there awkwardly then, not really sure what to do next. _Do I just go? Or make sure she's okay first be__fore __leaving__?_

"You'll..." I rubbed my hands over my face. "You'll be alright, won't you?"

Tears welled in her eyes and I resisted the urge to groan. All I wanted to do was go home and make sure I didn't catch any diseases from her.

"Could you...give me a ride home?" she asked. I sighed but reluctantly agreed.

She didn't live too far away and didn't try to converse with me in the car, which I was thankful for. Not only was I immensely ashamed of myself, but my hangover was big enough for me to be thankful I hadn't gotten alcohol poisoning last night.

I pulled up to her home, which was huge, like every other house in Forks. She leaned over and kissed my cheek softly before silently slipping out of the car. I quirked an eyebrow as she strode off without another word. I had expected a lot more drama from her. _Maybe Lauren wasn't as crazy as everybody said?_

I shrugged it off and made my way home. I opened my front door with ninja stealth, praying to God my Mom or Carlisle weren't up yet. I eased it closed and listened for any movement in the house. There wasn't any. I sighed in relief and made my way up the stairs with my shoes in my hand, trying to be stealthy.

"Dude!" A voice shouted as I got to the top and I saw Jasper standing across the hall with a goofy smile on his face. "Are you just getting in now?"

"Shut the fuck up!" I hissed and prayed he didn't wake them up. "Are you trying to get me grounded?"

His eyes widened and his hands flew to his mouth. "Oh," he whispered. "Sorry, man."

I shook my head at him in reply. My head was pounding too hard to bother being angry.

I sighed as I slipped into the shower trying to wash myself of the shame. Lauren was a nice girl, I'd learned, but I never thought I'd be one of those dicks who'd fuck and run. I fell into bed barely dry and completely naked.

And although I told myself I was done with _her_, since she was the reason I was so fucking angry and hurt to begin with, all I kept thinking was;_ I hope Bella doesn't find out..._

**~O~*~O~**

The next day at school was strange, to say the least.

I arrived on time and parked in my usual spot. But when I got out, I noticed everyone was...staring.

I shook it off, telling myself I was being paranoid.

But then I spotted Emmett barreling towards me with a big ass smile on his face. I nearly shit myself when he pounced on me and lifted me off the ground.

"Waaahhooo! You little sex panther, you!" he cheered, placing me down and slapping my shoulder. "You really had me going with the Bella Swan stuff. You funny little fucker! Pun intended."

I swear I froze on the spot. "What are you talking about?" _Please don't be about Lauren...Please don't be about Lauren..._

He looked at me with a confused expression. "You boning Lauren. What else?"

_Fuck..._"W-What...w-who told you that?" I choked out, feeling like I was going to collapse.

He smiled broadly. "Lauren did. Hell, she's bragging about it to everyone. She said you were the best she ever had and that after, you even drove her home and came in for breakfast..." He waggled his eyebrows. "And another round of morning _delight_."

FUCK. ME._ Oh wait, Lauren already did..._

"Emmett, you have to help me. I didn't-"

He raised his eyebrows and the smile fell from his face. "You didn't have sex with Lauren?"

I ran a shaky hand through my hair, tugging at the ends, in frustration. "Yes, I did but-"

He grabbed me, laughing and shouting as he spun me again. "My main-fucking-man!"

I was about to hurl when he caught sight of Rosalie and put me down. "I gotta go, but stay cool man." He touched my knuckles to his and ran off.

I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I couldn't just go home because then I'd miss...biology. _Not Bella._ So I'd have to suck it up and act as if nothing happened.

Everyone was still gawking at me as I made my way through the halls. I tried to avoid their stares by keeping my head down but that didn't stop me from hearing the whispers.

"_...She said he was the best she ever had..."_

"_He lasted like... four hours and recover in two minutes..."_

"_She said he's total__ly ripped; _everywhere_..."_

"_Lauren said they're dating now. He's bringing her to prom..."_

I groaned and stuck my head in my locker, hoping to block everything out. It didn't help. I only looked like more of an idiot. _I am going to fucking kill Lauren Mall__ory..._

"You okay, Edward?" A soothing voice asked from outside and I felt a soft hand touch my shoulder.

I jumped in fright at the sudden contact and my head smacked against the metal ceiling. "Fuck!"

"Oh shit!" Bella hissed and another hand touched my back as she guided me out of the small space slowly. "Are you okay?"

I tried to ignore how beautiful she looked, but my dick wouldn't accept what my brain was saying. Today she was wearing flannel shirt with ripped jeans that had been dyed green. I could see parts of her milky thighs and I swear I nearly groaned. She wasn't wearing a wig instead her brown hair was flowing down in soft curls.

Though I did notice something. She wasn't wearing striped socks. She always wore knee socks...

I told myself I didn't care and decided that I would try to salvage whatever dignity I had left. _Which__ wasn't very much __anymore__..._

"I'm fine," I answered curtly.

She looked at my head and her eyes went wide. "Oh fuck, you-"

"Fuck _me_?" I asked incredulously. "Fuck you! I didn't ignore you for four days."

"No, Edward-"

"Isn't it enough that I always look like an idiot around you? Now you have to go and pretend we're friends before you completely dump me and move on."

"Edward-" She tried again.

"I mean, I thought we could be friends but obviously not. I'm probably too much of a loser to be around you, right?"

"Would you just-"

"Not judging people _my ass_. You judged me the second you met me and obviously saw something you didn't like-"

"Edward!" she screamed and everyone in the hall stopped moving to look at us.

"What?"

"I was only going to say that you have gum in your hair."

My hand flew to my head and, _yep_, there it was. All mushed into my hair and gooey.

"Oh," Was all I managed to say. _Whatever __dignity I had left __was__ now gone..._

**~O~*~O~**

"Sit still..." Bella ordered.

"I can't when you're attacking me with a scissors."

"I'm just trying to get the gum out." I felt her hand slide through my hair then heard the snip of the scissors and watched my hair fall in front of my face. She'd tug a little too hard once in a while. I think it was because I told her to fuck herself, though I couldn't be sure.

"Right," I dragged the word out sarcastically.

"Hey, I'm doing you a favor," she pointed out and I sighed in defeat.

"You're right... I'm sorry."

She said nothing in return, so I could only guess that she wasn't sorry for avoiding me. _Was I really that bad? Was I really that awkward that she couldn't even stand being around me?_

"There," she announced and her fingers glided through my hair again for no reason. I had to hold in a groan; it felt so fucking good. "I got the gum out, but I had to trim your hair down a few inches."

"It's okay," I shrugged, wanting to get my stuff and go. She obviously didn't want anyone in her life. _She's just like how I used to be... _"It's only hair."

I went to grab the sweeping brush in the corner of the art room to sweep all my hair off the ground. As I swept, I snuck a glance at Bella. She seemed lost in thought. I tried to conceal the smile that always spread on my face when she did that. She always seemed so content and happy in her own little _Bella-world._

"I heard about you and Lauren Mallory," she said randomly, her eyes downcast.

I stopped sweeping for a moment. "Most of it is lies."

"So you didn't sleep with her?" she asked, still not looking at me.

My blood boiled. As if she even cared about what I did. _Or who__... _"I don't see how it's your business. You're the one who doesn't want to be my..." _girlfriend, lo__ver, soul mate__,_ "...Friend."

That caught her attention. "Of course I want to be your friend."

I looked back blankly. "Then why are you avoiding me?"

She looked back down again. "It's complicated."

I didn't really know what to say, so I said nothing.

"I'm sorry, Edward."

My heart felt like it was in my stomach. I could never catch a break, there was always some way I was reminded that I'd never get what I wanted. It was my own fault for hoping. So instead of telling her how much her rejection stung, I shrugged. As if Bella and her friendship meant nothing to me.

"Don't do that," she told me, her brown eyes narrowed and trained on me.

"What?" I asked, blankly.

"Put that carefree mask on and pretend you don't go through all that shit you do everyday."

I laughed, I couldn't help it. "You're um...you're quoting me now?"

She laughed too and it was music to my ears. "Yeah, I guess I am."

My hand were shaking and I could barely hold the brush anymore, so in the end I just dropped it and made my way over to her. The atmosphere grew tense and electricity buzzed around us.

I knew what I wanted to ask. I just couldn't seem to get the nerve to bring up the subject. Finally, with all the courage I could muster, I choked out the question that was eating at me.

"What's so wrong with being my friend?"

Bella frowned. "Nothing. I'd be lucky to have...a friend...like you."

"Then why won't you come to the meadow?" I was gradually beginning to move closer to her and I was sure she was doing the same. It was like we were magnets pulling each other closer.

"Because you bring out a part of me, Edward," she sighed. "A part of me I thought was dead and buried. But when I see you it's as if the old me never left. It scares the shit out of me." Her eyes connected with mine and my head ducked a bit so we were eye to eye, nose to nose, _mouth to mouth_...

"That's not it," I stated, it wasn't a question. I knew there was more to it. "It's only a small part of the reason. I know you're strong, Bella. You wouldn't come back here every day if you weren't. Why else can't you be mine?" I barely registered that I'd called her mine; my mind was too entangled in her.

"I...I'm..." But she didn't get to answer because we were coming closer together. Her eyes had drooped closed and her breathing was heavy.

Our hands skimmed each other down by our sides and electric sparks ran through my body as we came into contact.

Our noses rubbed and I could feel her breath against my lips. My heart was thumping and I was shaking all over. But I wanted this... _Needed _it...

"Bella," I breathed and our lips skimmed. She whimpered and it was like she was calling out to me. _How could I resist her?_

"What's going on in here?" A sharp voice commanded and we sprung away from each other. Bella was practically holding her chest as it rose up and down sharply.

A man stood firmly in the room across from us. He was tall and lanky, though he was toned. He had blonde hair that curled slightly and he was looking down at me with questioning grey eyes and lips that were pressed together into a tight line.

"Bella?" he questioned sharply and Bella looked back in panic.

"M-Mr Heinrichs...I'm sorry. Edward got gum in his hair...We were just cleaning up."

"Edward?" he asked, his gaze focusing on me again. "The newest addition to Fork High?"

I cleared my throat and nodded fervently. My adrenaline was still pumping from the almost kiss.

He glared back again at Bella, who was standing across from me. "I didn't know the art room was a barber shop?"

"I...I didn't think you would mind-"

"And I also don't believe it's a place for students to hang around and...fondle one another."

I could see Bella's face drop and a blush appear. I knew I had to do something. "Sir, it wasn't her fault. It was mine."

"Great, then you'll have detention after school tomorrow and Bella can spend her detention time with me working on her assignment," Mr. Heinrichs snapped. "Now Edward, if you'd please get out."

It wasn't a question, it was an order.

I got my bag and grabbed Bella's hand, intending to bring her with me. But she resisted, staying in the same spot.

"I'll talk to you later," she whispered.

I looked at her, trying to determine if she was alright or if I should stay with her. "Are you sure?"

She nodded and squeezed my hand before releasing me.

Mr. Heinrichs gave me an odd look before I left but I couldn't quite figure out what it was...

**~O~*~O~**

Biology was killing me today. But not because it was boring as fuck but because I needed to talk to Bella.

Time seemed to be going incredibly slow and by the time the clock got to ten minutes past three, I'd had enough. I ripped a piece of paper from my notebook and messily wrote Bella a note.

**Will you come tomorrow?**

She looked at it and shyly bit her lip. She knew what I was asking; I wanted her to come to the meadow. She grabbed the piece of paper and wrote back in her swirly handwriting.

_When?_

I smiled and tried to write back as fast as I could but ended up making the words unreadable. I wrote again slowly.

**After school**

She seemed to think about her for a moment. Her gaze drifted out the window and I knew she was caught up in another _Bella-world_ again. Finally, she seemed to come to a decision and wrote with determination.

_Yeah, fuck it_

* * *

**Stop shouting! I'm really sorry it's a day late but with all the Robsten drama, who can blame me? I've always kinda been anit-kristen, but now all this has come out I just want to slap her and give Rob a HUGE hug. Seriously, she humiliated him :( **

**I hope you liked this chapter and I'll have more to you next week. I've had a good few guesses about what's going on with Bella and some were really interesting. If you have an idea and would like to share, do tell. I have a great time reading them.**

**THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE REVIEWS. I'm really glad you liked my little story so far. And if you wouldn't mind leaving some love for this chapter, I'd be more than thankful for it?**

**Thank you to my Beta, RND4EVA. Big hugs to you, Dee.**

**Don't forget, If you're an I Hope She Was Worth It fan you only have **TWO** more days to download it before I remove **ALL SEXUAL CONTENT**. For more info go to my profile.**

**Have a good day and I'll see you next week xoxo**

**~ Casey**


	5. No Knee Socks, No Wig, No Nothing

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight**

**Chapter 5: **No Knee Socks, No Wig; No _Nothing_

**-O~*~O-**

_Slowly, I began to feel more in control of myself._

_One day the darkness that usually surrounded me began to turn into light._

_The next day voices became clearer and easier to distinguish._

_Then I was able to barely move my fingers and toes. Not too soon after I had control over my eyes._

_Opening my eyes for the first time was weird; an alien feeling after so much darkness. They opened and all I could see was brightness and blurs. I blinked and squinted, then struggled and groaned as the movement showed me that every bone in my body hurt._

_Metal clanged around the room and I heard the sound of carts being rolled in. There was a flurry of movement around me, people talking to each other in frantic voices. _

"_He's awake..."_

* * *

Bella.

Bella.

_Bella._

My mind was in Bella mode. She was all I could think of. _Well...more so than usual._

We were friends.._.I think_. She told me she'd like to be my friend. But then we almost and kissed and things got weird when her art teacher found us and ruined everything. Still, the main thing was that we nearly kissed. She _wanted_ to kiss me.

I walked out of biology with my eyes still trained on her until she was out of sight. Then, in my Bella daze, I stumbled to English.

"Edward," Rosalie greeted. She flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder as she, and her two minions, began walking beside me. "Nice haircut."

I ran a hand through Bella's handiwork self-consciously. "Thanks."

Her brow furrowed but her eyes had a wicked gleam to them. "So, why is everyone saying you were fucking that loser with the striped socks in the art room before school?"

I choked on my own saliva. "_Bella_?"

Her expression was innocent and her voice sugary sweet. "Yeah, the one Emmett told you to stay away from."

I looked down bashfully. "We...we didn't...she cut gum out of my hair. That's all."

She sighed dramatically and pushed me against a locker with one hand. I couldn't even push her away because she was a girl; Emmett's girl. I looked around quickly and noticed the hall was empty. _Fuck.._. Her hand ran over my chest and her groupies grinned menacingly behind her.

"Edward, you need to stay away from her. She's a loser and you have such potential." She leaned in and placed a kiss on the corner of my mouth. "And I put guys like you with potential to good _use._"

I shuddered. "What are you saying? Emmett is my friend and I would never-"

"Oh, I'm not saying you would. _Right now anyway_. I'm only pointing out that I'm the most popular girl in school and Emmett is the most popular guy. Don't get me wrong; I love him. I _really_ do." She took her full lip into her mouth before continuing as she fingered the buttons on my shirt. "But later, if _someone _had the potential that could change that, I might just... fall out of love with Emmett."

I glared at her, understanding what she was saying. _I knew she was shallow but this was som__ething else..._

"So here's what we'll do. I'll stop that silly rumor about you and _Bella,_" She said her name with disgust and my teeth clenched. "...and you'll continue climbing the totem pole. All I ask in return is..._compensation_ for all the pains I'm taking to get you to the top."

_The pains she's taking?_ "Why would you work so hard to get me to the top? Emmett could just stay popular and you wouldn't have to do any of this."

She smiled again. "Emmett's a senior. He's graduating this year and then he's off to college."

"Why me?"

She shrugged. "Jasper's too much of an idiot for me to tolerate for another year."

I could only look at her in bewilderment. "What...I...How..." I sighed. "Thanks, but no thanks. I'll get by fine on my own without your help."

She raised a perfectly plucked brow. "The key words in that sentence are '_on your own._' Exactly like that little loser. You could be different, Edward."

Her words made me halt. I wanted to different. To be cool and have friends. But turning my back on Emmett...on_ Bella_. I didn't know if I had the heart to do it.

I said nothing and kept on walking. Though her offer still stuck in my mind.

**-O~*~O-**

Emmett was waiting for me in the parking lot after school. I felt sick. He worshiped the ground Rosalie walked on and all she wanted him for was status.

"Hey dude!" Emmett called, knuckle touching me. "Lauren's been looking all over for you. I'm thinking she wants another ride on the Edward express." He wagged his eyebrows.

"Baby!" I heard a voice squeal before I could reply to him.

Lauren was walking straight towards me, her six inch heels clapping off the ground with every step. Her face was caked full of make-up and her short hair perfectly done. She seemed so fake. Bella didn't bother with fashion or having her hair done to a perfect standard. She was perfect with no effort required.

Emmett gave me a sly look as if to say, _'I'll leave you two alone.'_

My return look said, _'__Please__ don't.'_

He ignored me and Lauren did a running jump into my unwilling arms and her legs constricted painfully around my waist like a snake on a branch. "I fucking missed you."

"Lauren-" Her lips clamped onto mine, halting my words.

Her breath tasted like smoke and she was getting bright red sticky lip gloss all over me. But having lips pressed against mine felt kind of..._nice_. They were warm and really soft. For a moment, I enjoyed the feeling, pretending it was Bella who was pressed against me. I wrapped my arms tighter around Bella and plunged my tongue into her mouth, welcoming her lips against mine. I enjoyed that she couldn't seem to catch her breath with me.

Lauren broke off away from my lips and stood on the ground. I realized I'd gotten carried away with my Bella fantasy.

She held her rapidly moving chest with a hand. "Whoa, holy fuck, Edward. You really know how to kiss a girl."

I blushed beat red. "I...Uh..." _thought you were that beautiful girl with striped socks. Sorry..._

She grabbed onto my jacket and pulled my body so it was pressed against hers. "Why don't we go somewhere private and you can show me what other things you're good at?"

I shuddered in disgust. "No...Lauren, I thought you understood. The other night-"

"Wasn't that great, I know. But you took me home and made sure I was okay. Unlike all the other jerks I've been with. So I exaggerated your bedroom skills. You're welcome." She smiled, like she'd done me some great favor.

"Um...Thanks," I mumbled. "But we're not together. We had a thing, that shouldn't have happened, when I was under the influence and now that thing has ended. You can't jump on me or tell everyone we're going to prom together anymore."

Tears filled her eyes. "Are...are you dumping me?"

I groaned in frustration. "We were never together. Therefore it's not possible for me to dump you. I'm sorry, Lauren. I _really_ am."

Her hurt expression morphed into one of fury. "Oh yeah? Well we'll see about that." She stomped off and Jessica ran after her.

"What went on there?" Emmett asked as she stormed past him. "Did you dump her or something?"

I resisted the urge to kill him. "We were never together," I ground out through clenched teeth.

He laughed boisterously. "Oh, I get it. It was a fuck and run thing and she didn't get the message." When I looked at him and said nothing, he shrugged. "Come on, it's nothing to be ashamed of. What do you think I did before I met Rose? It's what chicks like Lauren are made for; spreading their legs and forgetting you were there the next morning."

I looked at him incredulously and, for one moment in time, I thought Emmett really _did_ deserve Rosalie.

**-O~*~O-**

I was nervous waiting for Bella to arrive the next day. Even though she'd assured me she was coming this time, it didn't stop the flicker of doubt that was sparking inside me. After all, last time she'd promised me that she would come and then instead ignored me for four days.

A rustle in the leaves alerted me to her presence and I let out breath I didn't know I was holding.

But when I took a look at her she was...different.

She was wearing normal ripped jeans and a blue sweater. No knee socks, no wig; no nothing.

"What's wrong?" I immediately asked.

The look she threw me was icy to say the least. "Why would something be wrong?" she snapped.

I gestured to her with my hand. "You're dressed weird. Well, normal, I suppose. But it's weird for you because you normally dress weird." She raised an eyebrow and I began to panic and when I panic, I ramble. "Not that I don't like how you dress because I love how you dress. I could watch you all day. Uh...Not like a stalker or anything but as a friend who looks at another friend because he admires her clothes. Not that I want to wear your clothes or anything because I'm not into that-"

"Just stop, Edward."

"Thank you," I breathed in relief.

She sat with a huff on the ground, her arms crossed and she refused to meet my gaze.

I thought back to yesterday in the art room when she wasn't wearing knee socks. She was upset that day for some reason and today she was upset about something too. "So that's it, huh? When you're upset you don't want to stand out instead you want to blend in and be forgotten? So you dress normally." She was essentially hiding who she was.

Her glare was suddenly directed at me and I resisted the urge to smile at how cute she was when she was mad. "Who are you, Doctor Phil?"

I smiled shyly. "No, I'm pretty sure I have a lot more hair than he does. Or a _little_ bit more since you scalped me yesterday."

Her glare turned a tad bit warmer and a smile tugged in the corners of her mouth. "Did you just insult my mad hair cutting skills?"

I chuckled. "Yeah, I guess I did."

She laughed through her nose but it turned into a sigh.

"Tell me what's wrong?" I begged.

She turned back to being angry. "You know you were the one yesterday who was saying I was the liar. That I pretended we were friends and then completely dumped you." She took a breath and her eyes narrowed more. "But you're worse. You tried to kiss me yesterday!"

I froze in horror and I think my heart stopped beating. _Didn't she want me to? _"Did...d-did you not want me to?"

She threw her hands up in confusion and covered her face with them. "Yes...No..._Maybe_. I don't know!"

"You don't know?" I questioned, my heart beginning its usual rhythm again.

"I shouldn't have wanted it and you...you really shouldn't have even tried it."

I gulped. "W-why? Do you..." I took a breath and tried to calm myself. "...not like me _that _way?"

Her face popped out of her hands. "It doesn't matter if I do or not. Lauren does and when you didn't get to kiss me you decided to make out with her instead. I saw it, so don't even bother lying."

_Shit! _She saw me making out with Lauren. I couldn't tell her I was thinking about her when I did it though. I may have been inexperienced with women but I wasn't that much of an idiot to think of that as an explanation. "I thought she was you," I blurted. _Huh...apparently I was that much of an idiot._

Bella raised an eyebrow. "What did you say?"

"No, I...I knew it was Lauren but when she kissed me I kind of...imagined it was you." I cringed and waited for her response. _Oh my God, she's never going to talk to me again..._

Bella sat down and wrapped herself tightly in a Bella-ball.

"I know what I did was dumb but I never really kissed anyone before and when she jumped on me it sort of overwhelmed me for a second."

She didn't say anything.

"You know how much I l-like you. You have to know by now. I mean everyone knows..."

Still nothing.

"Bella, speak to me. Tell me straight if you... don't want to be my friend anymore."

"Edward, this is wrong."

"How is it wrong?"

"Because of the choice I made. It could ruin everything. I can't keep coming here and we can't be friends."

I looked at her in confusion. "Why? What the hell is going on, Bella? Tell me and I'll help you."

"You can't help me," she stated and her eyes filled with tears. "And if I tell you, you'll hate me."

She looked so broken. So hurt. _Fuck it_, I thought and pulled her into my arms. "I don't care about whatever it is, I only want you to be happy and this," I gestured to her, all wrapped up in my arms. "Bella, this isn't you being happy."

She sniffed and dug her face into my neck. I shivered in delight when I felt her warm breath on my neck.

"You know, I've told you all about myself," she whispered. "You never told me anything about yourself."

I knew this conversation was coming. I didn't want to give away anything but I couldn't expect something from her that I myself wasn't prepared to give.

"What do you want to know?"

"Everything," she replied into my neck.

I took a breath. "I was born in Chicago and my Mom raised me by herself. My father died when I was a baby."

"I'm so sorry." Her hand touched my cheek and it made my insides warm up. "Can I ask how he died?"

I stiffened. "He killed himself."

I was used to talking about my father. It was what all the therapists wanted to know and then they'd say_ 'it's not your fault' _or _'how did that make you feel?' _I'd always answer with the same annoyed response. _'It is'_ or '_I don't fucking know because I was in diapers at the time.'_

"He...um...he killed himself because of me."

"No," she gasped and pulled my face towards hers. "I'm sure whatever reason he did it wasn't your fault. You were only a kid. He had his own demons, Edward."

I shook my head. "He had it rough as a child," I gulped; this was hitting a bit too close to home. "He didn't want kids and when my mom got pregnant on me; he freaked. He tried it for a while and only made it through a year before he loaded a gun and blew his head off."

"Edward, you're shaking," Bella noted and took my trembling hand in hers. I didn't help, if anything her touch made it worse.

"My Mom blamed herself and took to drinking so I was the one who took care of everything. We lived in a dump, I had no friends and the only income we had for both of us was a check for a hundred dollars my grandfather sent once a month."

"That sounds rough." Her fingers traced the lines on the palm of my shaking hands.

"It was. But I'm here and I'm good now. All the suffering I endured only made me stronger; more able to see people how they really are."

"Is that how you were able to see me out of everyone?" Bella asked, a small blush appearing on her cheeks.

I touched it with my palm, unable to resist the temptation of it. "Yes, it's how I saw you. You're beautiful inside and out, I can tell. And if there's anyone on this earth you can trust, it's me. Please Bella, trust me?"

She thought about it. I could see her considering things before she gave me a look that clearly said she gave in.

"Mr. Heinrichs came here two years ago and my Mom let him stay with us. We were broke but she had to keep up appearances so she tried to earn money without anyone knowing. Taking in a tenant seemed like a good idea and she told people he was a relative."

She looked down, ashamed. "Mom fell in love with him and he's helping me get into college."

I didn't understand how she thought I would hate her for this. Helping someone who deserves to get in college doesn't seem to be a capital offense.

"So?" I asked.

Bella looked back at me with her cheeks flushed and her eyes filled with shame. "I'm not good enough for college. But he has contacts and if Mom _loves_ him he can get me a scholarship. Even though I don't deserve it."

She wouldn't hold my gaze for more than a moment. This time I sensed it wasn't about shame. How could a teacher securing you a future, even if it wasn't the right thing, cause that much guilt? Surely a person does what they have to do to survive? To get out of this town?

But there were holes in her story too. I'd seen some of her drawings; she was amazing. Her life revolved around art and photography. Any college would be lucky to have her.

Plus, I didn't see how that could be a choice she was forced to make; if anything it was her mother's choice. All she said to me about it, about the choice she was forced to make didn't seem to fit the situation she was describing.

And that's when I knew she was lying to me.

* * *

**I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I know it's late and I apologize. **

**I hope you liked it and thank you so much for the wonderful reviews I received. I love every single one of them and even though I don't get the chance to reply to every single one I read the ALL. So please if you get the chance, leave another.**

**As of now, updates will happen on a Friday not a Thursday. Sorry for the inconvenience. **

**Thank you to my Beta, RND4EVA.**

**If you haven't noticed already, I Hope She Was Worth It has had all the sexual scenes replaced to fit in with the FF rating system. If you want to read it, I have most chapter up on The Writer's Coffee Shop and will continue until the full original is on there. This story, however, will have the normal level of smut ;) I promise.**


	6. The First Step Is Admitting It

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight**

**Chapter 6: **The First Step Is Admitting It

**-O~*~O-**

_My breathing was harsh as I looked around the plain room, trying to make sense of my surroundings. All I could really remember was the coldness of the water against my skin._

_My heart was beating furiously in my chest and the monitor I was attached to kept screaming at me with every thump it made._

_People suddenly surrounded me. They started shining li__ghts in my eyes and fiddling with machines, asking me questions I wasn't able to answer. Mom wasn't there and I began to cry._ Where am I? _I could feel urine pool around me but I was too scared to be embarrassed._

_I tried closing my eyes; trying to block the scary people out and get back to the darkness. But the people kept touching me and saying things._

"_Stop it, he's scared out of his wits. Step back and don't crowd him," I heard a voice order and for some reason it calmed me._

_I recognized that voice._

_I inched open my eyes and a tall man with golden hair was standing in front of me. No more scary people; just him and me._

"_Edward," he said softly, his blue eyes looking at me intently. "Do you know where you are?"_

_I shook my head though it was hard to get my body to respond to what my brain was telling it._

"_You're in the hospital. The nurses and I are here to make sure you get better after..." He didn't finish the sentence. It was okay though, I didn't want him to._

_His hand reached out and tried to touch my shoulder but I recoiled from it. He smiled sadly but moved his hand away._

"_I'm Doctor Cullen, Edward." He smiled and it wasn't menacing or evil; it was warm and friendly. Not like _his _had been. "But you can call me Carlisle."_

* * *

I was about to kill my Mother.

She was really putting my patience to the test today. I think she wanted to have a bonding day with me because of all the shit I'd been putting her through recently.

It started last week when my school called her and informed her that I'd been ditching gym class ever since I'd enrolled in Forks High. I assured her I hadn't, that the school must have made a mistake since I had dutifully attended every single class. I was full of shit though, every gym class I'd spent with Bella in the meadow drinking and talking and _wanting_.

It was amazing.

Then this Monday, when my Mom found a stash of weed behind my stereo, she blew her fucking top. I didn't do the stuff much but it was there since we'd gotten to Forks. I'd brought it with me from Chicago and hid it away for a rainy day when I just needed to chill.

But now, as punishment or maybe as a way to stage an intervention, she was _literally_ dragging me everywhere she went.

First it was the dry cleaners, then we got lunch in some vegan restaurant where everything tasted like dirt and now we were grocery shopping.

To make matters worse, Emmett was texting me every five minutes about everyone coming to his house to smoke up and party. For once, I had somewhere to be and I couldn't even go.

"Mom, is this going to take much longer?" I whined as I pushed the cart through the aisles.

She sighed. "What's so wrong with spending the day with your mother?"

"It's not that I don't want to spend the day with you," I lied. "It's that I have other things to do and I'm new here. If my friends see that I'm ditching them to go grocery shopping with my Mother, I'm not exactly going to be mister popular."

Mom scowled. "Why do you even need to be 'mister popular'? I like _my _Edward. You don't have to change to be cool, honey."

I stopped pushing the cart. "Are we really going to have an intervention in the middle of a grocery store?"

Mom's expression softened. "I just don't want you to do anything you'll regret to try to impress a couple of people, who won't even mean anything to you in the future. Who will only be a memory of the _'go__o__d__ 'ol days' _in a couple of years."

"I'm not changing at all." I told her as I wheeled the cart past her. "You just never took the time to pay attention to the things I like to do. Now that you see them, you're not happy."

"That's not it."

"You know it is."

"I don't like what I'm seeing."

"Well, tough luck," I answered. "This is me and you're right, I'm not going to do anything I'll regret to try to impress of a couple of people."

She stopped dead in her tracks but I ignored her and headed straight to the cash register.

**-O~*~O-**

We sat in the car quietly until Mom made a sharp left turn in the opposite direction of the house.

"Where are we going now?"

"I'd like you to meet a friend of mine," she answered sharply.

"A friend?" I questioned and she gave me a _don't-fuck-with-me_ look. "Okay."

We drove south of Forks for about twenty minutes until we came to a large white house with a winding drive. The hedges were perfectly trimmed; there was a fountain in the center of the yard. And although the house wasn't as flashy as Carlisle's mansion, it wasn't humble by any means either.

"Whoa." I looked at my mother. "Someone's making friends in high places."

She shrugged. "You've always said we're the complete opposite of one another."

I held a hand to my heart in mock injury. "Ouch, that one hurt."

"Good." She forced a smile and I felt like a dick. "Be nice to my friend."

"Scouts honor."

We walked up the drive slowly but before we even got to the steps of the porch a woman, with dark brown hair and piercing grey eyes opened the door. Her hair was perfectly piled into a donut shaped bun on top of her head and she wore too much make-up. I immediately didn't like her for some reason. But as I've said before, I was good at reading people.

She plastered on a smile. "Esme, I'm not surprised to see you here."

My Mom's smile weakened though she tried to hide it. "Yes...well...Lovely to see you, Renée. I was wondering...if your offer still stood?"

Renée held up her perfectly manicured hand. "Say no more. Please, come on in."

She stepped aside and we walked into the perfectly pristine house. It all seemed so fake to me and I had no idea how people lived like this. Every piece of furniture in this place was covered by plastic and some rooms even had signs on the side reminding people to take off their shoes before stepping on the carpet. It was like a museum, not a home.

"This is my son Edward. Edward, I'd like you to meet Renée Dwyer." My mother introduced.

I took Mrs. Dwyer hand a shook it softly. "Nice to meet you, Mrs. Dwyer."

She smiled wider. "Such manners, Esme. He's not quite the ruffian you told me about. Although, they're so good at hiding things, aren't they?"

I stood back, trying to understand what was going on here. "What-"

I was cut off by a large banging noise coming from upstairs.

Renée rolled her eyes and sighed. "Excuse me for a moment. Make yourself at home." She marched up the stairs.

I turned to my Mom. "What the fuck? You've been talking shit about me to your friends?"

"Stop it, I have not. I've simply been expressing my concern about your behavior as of late."

I shook my head. "Still doesn't give you the right to talk about me."

"You're my _son_. I'm your_ parent_. I can do what I want. When you have kids of your own, you'll get that privilege too."

I scowled and was an inch away from walking out the door when I heard _her _voice coming down the stairs.

"Mom, I said I was sorry, I didn't mean to..." Bella trailed off when we locked gazes.

"What are you doing here?" We questioned at the same time.

"I live here," she answered with a smile.

"You live here?" I was itching to go to her. To close of the space between us but I knew that wouldn't be a good idea.

"Yeah, I-" She was cut off by Mrs. Dwyer.

"For God sake Bella, we have guests. Go put something decent on. Preferably something that isn't from the sixties and matches." Mrs. Dwyer gestured to Bella's orange dress that looked vintage. She was wearing spotted socks and a yellow collared shirt underneath.

"Mom," she growled as her cheeks flushed.

"Don't take that tone with me, Bella Marie Swan."

Bella said nothing and I narrowed my eyes at Mrs. Dwyer. She was exactly how Bella had described her to be.

"I think you look beautiful today, Bella," I told her and tried to keep the nervous edge out of my voice.

She smiled at me and looked at the floor bashfully. "Thanks," she muttered.

Mrs. Dwyer's gaze hardened. "I'd forgotten you two knew each other."

I cleared my throat. "We're biology partners."

She seemed to look me up and down with her lips pursed. I was waiting for her to tell me I wasn't good enough just so I could get the chance to tell her to go to hell. But she never did.

"I see," she replied and lead my mother and I into the living room. Bella followed in after and I couldn't seem to take my eyes off of her the entire time.

She didn't seem to stop looking at me either.

"_Are you okay?_" I mouthed.

She nodded and I relaxed. She rolled her eyes then as if to say, _"She's always like this."_

"Edward?" My mother's voice snapped at me. "Renee wants to speak to you about something. Bella, it's been a pleasure, dear. But I think it'd be better if you left."

Bella looked at me warily. "Oh...okay. Um...I guess it was...a pleasure meeting you." She left and I watched her retreating form go up the stairs.

"What's this about?" I asked, not really understanding why I needed to speak with Mrs. Dwyer.

"Well, Edward," Mrs. Dwyer started. "You might not think it by looking at me and all I've accomplished but back when I was your age, I had a problem with alcohol and drug use."

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "I don't have a problem..."

"Hush now, Edward. The first step is admitting it," she stated.

"Mom-" I tried but she held a hand up telling me she didn't want to hear it.

Mrs. Dwyer continued. "I was a wild one in my day. And I made some very big mistakes thanks to drugs and alcohol. But I realized the errors of my way, sought help and you know what?"

"What?" I asked dryly.

"I've achieved all this." She smiled smugly and gestured around her. "I'm now the head of the Forks drug awareness society, head of the council, have a beautiful home, more money than I know what to do with and top notch friends. Don't you want that?"

I glared. "With all due respect, I can't say I do."

"Oh? How so?"

I shrugged. "More money that I know what to do with- means nothing to me. Home is where the heart is- that to me is my family, which you've mentioned nothing about. The rest is of little consequence to me."

Her eyes narrowed and her head tilted. She had this evil look in her eye and I knew whatever was going to come out of her mouth wasn't going to be something good.

"So you're a family man, _Edward?"_ She spat my name.

"Yes, I guess I am."

She looked at me innocently. "Is that why you've been messing around with Lauren Mallory? Are you trying to put down roots in Forks already? Because that's what happens when you have unprotected sex."

Mom gasped and I looked at Mrs. Dwyer with wide eyes.

"How the fuck should you know whether I used protection or not?" I roared.

"Edward!" My mother hissed.

"I know everything, Edward." Renée frowned, though I could see she was suppressing a smile. "This one is on a self-destructive path, Esme. You should keep a closer eye on him and bring him back to me when he's ready to admit he has a problem."

"The only problem anyone would have is with you," I growled. "You have no right to sit there and act like you're better than everyone else."

"Edward, sit down." I heard Mom say.

"Esme, don't worry. He's not himself at the moment." Renée turned to me. "What have you taken today Edward?"

I didn't answer. She knew full well I wasn't on anything. I marched out of the house until I was down the drive, standing next to the car.

I wanted to scream, yell, _and throw__ something_ in fucking fury just to let out some steam. But I couldn't because then it would show that bitch that she'd really gotten to me. That she was under my skin._ I wouldn't give her the satisfaction..._

I heard my Mom's footsteps on the gravel. "How could you do that to me? That woman is a psycho," I said, with my back to her.

"Yeah, I know." Bella's voice answered.

"Bella," I breathed and felt my anger just float away at the sight of her. "Um...sorry I just-"

"Trust me, I understand. I have to live with her."

I kicked the gravel at my feet. "Is she always like that?"

She shrugged and sat on the hood of the car. "No, most of the time she's worse. Would you believe me if I said this is her on a good day?"

I snorted. "I think I would."

"I'm sorry for what she said."

"It wasn't your fault. You have nothing to apologize for."

She looked down and frowned. "Yeah, I do."

I waited for her to go on but she stood biting her lip.

"What?"

"I...I was the one who told her about Lauren."

I gaped at her. "Why? _Why would you do that_?"

She was quick to answer. "Riley told her that we were having sex in the art room and we clearly weren't and I told her we weren't but she wouldn't believe me. She was going to go to your house, Edward and talk to your mom then get you suspended for something you didn't even do," she spoke hastily. "I panicked and told her that you were already with Lauren. It calmed her down and she left you alone. I'm so sorry."

"Wait, Riley told her? As in Mr. Heinrichs?"

She looked pale. "Well...yeah..."

"Why would he do that? It wasn't like we were having sex on the table." _Although, I kinda wish we had of been..._

She sighed and gave me a tired look. "I guess he kind of owes my Mom. How do you think he got the job at Forks High? Mom practically owns everyone here- has them all in her back pocket waiting to do her bidding."

I nodded and wondered how the hell someone so bitchy had everyone pining to do something for her. Why didn't everyone hate her? That's when I realized Mrs. Dwyer was like an older version of Rosalie Hale. She was the queen bee and would fuck anyone over to stay on top.

"I forgive you for telling her about Lauren. Hell, I should probably be thanking you for not letting her get me thrown out of school." My phone buzzed in my pocket but I ignored it. It was probably Emmett again.

"Edward," Bella said and I detected warning in her tone. "You need to stay on her good side. No matter how much it kills you to. You don't want my Mom as an enemy; she'll destroy you."

My phone kept buzzing. "I'll take my chances."

"Good luck then," she replied with a sad expression. "You're going to need it."

My ring tone played again and I was seriously going to kill Emmett. "Sorry," I mumbled and fished it from my pocket.

**16 missed calls from **_**Jasper Cullen**_

**24 missed calls from **_**Emmett Cullen**_

"What the hell?"

"Something wrong?" Bella asked.

"I don't know."

**Call me ASAP – Emmett**

**Dude, I'm not kidding answer the phone RIGHT NOW! - Emmett**

**Edward, you need to get home, dude -Jasper**

"Something's up with the guys. I just have to call Emmett. Don't go anywhere." She nodded and I stood away to take the call.

"_Edward!" _Emmett's frantic voice answered.

"What's wrong? Why do you sound like that?"

"_Did you or did you not wrap it up?"_

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"_Dude, Lauren's pregnant. She's telling everyone it's yours."_

The phone dropped from my hand.

"N-no...I was sure I..."

"Edward?" Bella's voice asked in alarm. "What's going on?"

My mind was blank of everything else other than _'Oh my God. I'm so fucked.'_

I ran to the bushes and expelled the contents from my stomach, tried to stagger away but then the world spun and went black. I was left with a screaming Bella and a face full of gravel. _Oh and apparently a baby..._

* * *

**Hello everyone...Don't kill me and PLEASE don't give up on me... Sorry for such a cliff-hanger but it had to be done. Remember, everything happens for a reason. :)**

**THANK YOU SO MUCH TO MY AMAZING BETA! Sorry, did I say that too loud? Thank you, Dee.**

**Thank you so much for everyone who left me a review. You have no idea how much I love hearing what you think. So, if you get the chance, leave me another? **

**Oh and I know I'm so scattered with update days that I'm probably giving you whiplash but this story will be updated on either a Friday or a Thursday. (And don't get pissed if it's late because sometimes RL is a b**ch)**

**See you next week and have a great day ;)**

**Casey**


	7. We're All Fools In Love

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer Owns Twilight**

**Chapter 7:** We're All Fools In Love.

**-o~*~o-**

"_I know it's hard, son," The officer said. He had pity written all over his face. "But we need you to tell us what happened. It's called a statement and we need it before we can move on. Can you do that for me?"_

_Tears filled my eyes. Why would they need me to say it out loud? They all knew what happened. They could have just asked my Mom. "No," I growled._

_Angry tears spilled down my cheeks while I waited for my punishment. The officer sighed but didn't shout at me, or hit me like I expected him to._

"_Edward? That's your name, isn't it?" The officer asked. I nodded. "What happened to you wasn't right..."_

_I looked away from him. Shame and embarrassment ran through me like the cold water ran down my skin._

"_But if you tell me what happened that night on the bridge, we could stop that from happening to some other little boy or girl. Edward, by telling me what happened, you have the power to save a life. Just like the doctors and nurses did with you."_

_My brow furrowed. "I don't understand..."_

"_If you could tell us how _he_ acted before it happened, we could single these things out more easily. Then we could h__elp whoever is in __harm's__ way before it's too late."_

_What he was saying made sense and I wanted to help other people; help kids like me who would end up dead if not for pure luck. I didn't want anyone to suffer like I had._

"_Okay." The word came out in a sob. "But I...I need to know something before I tell you."_

_The officer nodded. "Anything you want, son. I'm an open book."_

_I gulped. "He's dead, isn't he?"_

_He seemed to hesitate and my stomach dropped. _

_He was going to come after me. I might as well of died in that water._

_The officer's expression was void of any emotion. "Yes, he was dead when we pulled him out of the water."_

_A breath I hadn't realized I had been holding flew out of my body and I sobbed in relief until I couldn't produce any more tears._

_That was the moment I knew for sure; I was free._

* * *

"Edward!" Something clattered against my cheek and my eyes jolted open at the stinging sensation in my face.

"Did you just slap me?"

I looked at Bella's teary face until she plunked down on me, elbowing me in the ribs before pulling me flush against her; very hardly. "O-oh my G-God, I thought you w-were dead!"

"OH!" I gasped in pain.

"What? What's wrong?"

"You just kneed me in the junk."

"Oh shit, sorry!" She sprang away from me and I took a moment to do inventory; I needed to make sure everything was still intact. When I did indeed find my balls, I noticed that Bella was still bawling.

"Shush," I hushed and sat up, taking her with me.

"What happened? You were on the phone and then you were sick and then it-it-it...

"I'm alright. Don't cry, baby, don't cry," I begged and wiped away her tears with my thumb. I froze as the word _baby _left my mouth.

_Baby, Lauren, father, baby, father, Lauren, baby, father, baby, father, Lauren, baby, baby, Lauren, fath__er, baby, father, Lauren, baby, father, baby, father, Lauren, baby, Lauren, baby, father, baby, father, Lauren, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby... _

What had me so sick in the first place came rushing back. I threw Bella off my lap and rushed to vomit again.

"I'm going to get my Mom. We need to get you to a hospital!" Bella stated and went to make a run for the house.

I wiped my mouth. "If you value my life, you will not tell your mother. It'll only make things worse for me than it already is."

"What's going on?" When nothing came out of my mouth other than vomit she exploded in anger and punched my arm.

"OW!"

"Tell me, Edward! Stop fucking around!"

I glared back. "I could say the same thing to you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" She stood back. I'd taken her by surprise with my comment.

"That I know you're telling me lies."

"I...I...What..." she stuttered.

"Don't even try it, Bella. Don't lie to me again. You owe me that, at least!"

"I don't owe you anything, Edward," she growled. "Besides it's not even the same thing!"

"It damn well is!"

"Our situations are so vastly different."

"You don't even know my _situation!_" My voice broke on the last word. "And I don't know yours. That's the problem!"

We stood there glaring, neither one of us willing to back down, until I was shaking so bad that my legs gave out and I fell to the floor. Bella wiped her eyes and sat down with me, her knees tucked under her body.

"Just please tell me you're not hurt." Her eyes were pleading and more and more tears seemed to fall, no matter how many times I wiped them away.

A lump caught in my throat and I crumbled; I couldn't hold it in any longer. I fell to pieces. Bella caught me and held me as I sobbed but asked nothing about how I fucked my entire life up. I bawled and she hugged me and told me it would be alright.

She was everything I needed in that moment.

I couldn't believe that one night of drunken sex with someone I didn't know could lead to me being responsible for another life for the rest of my own. It's tied me to this tiny town and now I'll never get out. Though before leaving seemed like something I probably wouldn't achieve, now it was _definitely_ something that couldn't happen.

When I calmed down enough to talk, I wiped the moisture from my cheeks and eyes then turned back to my savior. My lifeline in the worst moment of my life; _Bella_.

"Take me away from here," I croaked and begged her with my eyes.

She didn't even hesitate. She took my hand and brought me to her beat up old Chevy truck. "Where are we going?"

"Anywhere away from here. Away from this town."

She seemed to think about it for a moment before she came to a conclusion. "I know a place we could go."

**-O~*~O-**

As soon as we'd passed the sign that read _'You're now leaving Forks' _relief washed over my body. I don't know why. It's not like being in the next town over made any difference to how fucked my life was and I knew I'd have to go back. But it made me believe I could escape if I wanted to; that maybe I wasn't as trapped as I felt.

"Where are we?"

"La Push. It's where Jacob lives."

I eyed her and she shrugged. "He always knew how to take my mind off something completely when it was bothering me. So maybe he can do the same with you." A blush covered her cheeks and I knew she felt stupid for suggesting it.

Though it did get me wondering if this Jacob knew what was going on with Bella. But for the moment, I had bigger shit to deal with and I was just so incredibly grateful I had Bella to keep me from doing something stupid.

I clasped her hand in mine. "Thank you, Bella." She looked at me intently and I stared straight back. "I really mean it."

She squeezed my hand in return. "I know. You'd do the same for me."

She was right. _I would_.

We came to a small wooden house in a secluded area. It was completely surrounded by dense forest and the house itself looked like it had definitely seen better days. The roof was sloping. The red paint that covered the house was flaking and chipped. There were several old beat up cars and motorbikes parked here and there with parts lying around the yard.

But for some reason this comforted me. The yard wasn't perfectly trimmed and the house didn't boast about its occupant's success. It was lived in and old. It had memories and had seen people coming and going for years; it was a _home. _Not only a house.

"This place is great. It reminds me of home." Bella raised an eyebrow. "In Chicago- It reminds me of home in Chicago."

Bella turned the ignition off. "I thought you said you hated it there."

"I did." I sighed longingly. "But it was all I ever knew. What I have now, back in Forks, isn't my home. It isn't the life I want." _But now it's the life I'm stuck with..._

"Why do you pretend it is then?" she asked.

My brow furrowed. "I don't. I just don't let everyone know how much I hate it."

She laughed. "Sounds like pretending to me."

I frowned. It wasn't like that. "I'm not."

Bella held up her hands in surrender. "Okay, sorry."

Movement caught my eye from across the yard. A big tanned guy with jet black hair and a look on his face that said _I-could-kill-you-if-I-wanted-to_ was coming our way. Before I had time to voice my concerns Bella smiled brightly and jumped out of the truck.

"Jake!" she squealed and jumped into his waiting arms.

"Bells, honey. I haven't seen you in forever." I heard him say as he twirled her around in circles.

This was Jacob?_ I'm going to hurl again..._

He placed Bella on the ground and sized me up; his dark and intense gaze made me shiver. I tried to keep eye contact with him. I didn't want him to think he intimidated me. _Because he did._ But he didn't have to know that.

"Who's this?" Jacob asked, giving a pointed glare in my direction.

Bella smiled and stood by my side. "This is my good friend, Edward Masen."

I cleared my throat and held out a shaky hand. "Nice to meet you."

Jacob inspected me again and I was starting to seriously regret letting Bella bring me here until a small smile tugged in the corner of his lips. His large hand slapped mine out of the way and the other clapped me on the shoulder. Hard. _Holy shit he's more toned than Emmett...Ow..._

"We don't shake hands here; this isn't Forks." He smiled and his large arms encased me while I stood rigid in his embrace. "Any friend of Bella's is a friend of mine. Nice to meet you, Edward."

When he released me, he was sporting a wide-carefree smile and suddenly he didn't look so scary anymore.

_What just happened?_

"Um...Thanks?"

He chuckled. "Come on in. My girlfriend Alice is inside. I'm sure she'd love to meet you."

I snuck a glance at the beautiful girl to my right. She was biting into her lush, bottom lip and her cheeks had lost their scarlet color altogether; she was nervous to encounter Alice. Bella looked up and caught my gaze; it was almost as if she felt me ogling her. She smiled meekly and it did nothing to ease my concern.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't want Bella to feel uncomfortable and I didn't want Jacob to be offended because I refused to meet his girlfriend.

He noticed my hesitance. "It's alright. I was only messing around with the whole glaring thing."

"No, it's...it's not that. I..." I cast another glance at Bella.

"Edward," she said. "It's okay."

I must have held Bella's gaze longer than I should have because Jacob cleared his throat awkwardly. "So...we're all good?"

"Jakey!" A high-pitched voice sounded from the house. "Who's at the door?"

A woman came into sight. She was a tiny thing; however her face and the way she dressed told me she was older than us, but not by much. She was maybe seventeen or eighteen. I assumed this was Alice. She had short-cropped black hair and sharp features. She was pretty but not a beauty like Bella.

"Oh, it's you," The tiny girl sneered at Bella.

"Hello, Alice," she replied. Her tone was polite yet hostile. You could tell she was trying to be civil with her.

Alice sauntered over to Jacob and gripped his arm possessively. Her eyes never once left Bella's. "What dragged you here?"

I stepped sideways and wrapped my arm around Bella's waist. "I did. I'm Edward Masen. Bella's told me _a lot _about you, Alice." I made it sound like a bad thing.

Her eyes narrowed. "Did she now?"

I nodded and my grip around Bella's waist tightened.

"Wait, Edward Masen? Where do I know that name?" Alice's eyes lit up suddenly. "Edward Masen? As in the one that got Lauren-"

"NO!" I shouted and Alice went quiet. "No, you must be confusing me with someone else."

_Did I look as sick as I felt in that moment? Could they tell I was lying?_

Alice noticed and she at least had the decency to look remorseful. "Oh...You're right. I'm sorry. I was thinking of someone else."

She and I both knew she had the right person..._But Bella didn't. _Word sure got out fast around here.

"So Edward, you like football?" Jake asked to break the silence in the room.

"Erm...no."

"Good, me neither. Come with me I want to show a bike I'm working on."

My brow furrowed but a smile tugged on my lips.

Jacob or Jake, as he asked me to call him, was interesting to say the least. He'd quit school the year before when he was sixteen to work on repairing and restoring cars, bikes, Jeep's...Basically if it had an engine, he could fix it.

Bella was right when she told me he could take your mind of anything. The guy quite clearly had the gift of the gab. He was always asking questions, telling jokes or impressing me with his knowledge of vehicles. I didn't even have time to think about Lauren or what my next move was.

Jake was the nicest guy I'd met here; he wasn't fake or cruel. Also, he really cared about Bella like she was his own flesh and blood. I could tell why Bella befriended him though I had no idea how such a nice guy ended up with someone like Alice.

She was a bitch. To put it plainly.

She held a grudge for Bella and it was clearly all about Jake. Bella made her feel threatened. I mean who wouldn't be threatened by Bella? She was so... _eclectic_. There were so many parts of her personality to discover. I wanted to explore them all.

Bella had left to go to the bathroom and Alice was in the kitchen doing..._whatever_. That left Jake and me in the garage.

"So what's going on with you and Bells?"

I shrugged "It's complicated."

"How's it complicated?"

I laughed humorlessly. "She doesn't like me that way, I guess."

He snorted. "Trust me, she does."

"Then she doesn't like me _enough_."

"Please. She spent the past hour giving you the whole googly-eyes-full-of-love thing and then the rest of the time talking about how great you are."

My cheeks flushed red and I looked at the ground. _Could that be true? She liked me? _Well I guess it didn't matter, since I'd fucked up any chance of being with her when I'd...been intimate with Lauren. I didn't want to even think of the 'P' word.

He put down the tool he was using on the bike. "I've never seen her like this. She's always been so closed off. Even the mention of love seemed to make her sick. Bell's has always been an odd one but with you... it's like you've unlocked a part of her I've never seen."

He had this forlorn expression when he spoke next. "I don't know how you did it. I knew from the moment she told me your name that she was hooked, line and sinker. Because in the past, no matter how hard anyone tried to give her more than friendship, she'd push it away. Push _him _away. With you, it's like you're being pulled together. You move, she moves. Like magnets."

I could hear the envy in his voice and things clicked into place.

"You love her, don't you?" I blurted before I could stop myself. "I'm so sorry. That was rude-"

"Yes," he cut me off. "I do love her. Very much, actually."

There was an awkward silence and all I could do was stand with my mouth agape. Jake was Bella's confidant. Her best friend. And that wasn't enough for her. Who was I? I'd literally stumbled into her life and forced my presence onto her. I could never compete with Jacob in a million years. Why would she ever want me?

"So, Alice...?"

"That's why Alice isn't fond of her," he explained. "She knows that if there was any way I could be with Bella, I would be."

I felt like an asshole now for judging Alice before I knew her. She obviously had a lot of stuff to deal with too and it weighed heavily on her heart; made her bitter before her time. Although I did understand how someone could love a person so deeply when they knew they'd never be good enough.

"How can she stand it?" I asked. My voice was barely above a whisper. It wasn't any of my business but I had to know. "Being second best?"

He sighed. "Alice loves me. Probably as much as I love Bella. She knew my heart would belong to Bell's and that this was the only way she could be with me. When Bella refused me, Alice knew she could take me for what I could be or leave me as I was. She chose to take me."

I couldn't seem to wrap my head around that? How could she do that to herself? That sounded more like heartbreak than love to me.

"I know what you're thinking." Jake sat down and ran a hand through his black hair. He suddenly looked much older and I felt like a boy compared to him. "But we're all fools in love."

I knew exactly what he was talking about. "If...If you love Bella so much, how can you not hate me?"

He laughed then and gave me a warm smile. "Because although I love her, it's _you_ that makes her happy. That's all I could ever ask for. So like I said, any friend of Bella's is a friend of mine."

**-O~*~O-**

Bella and I had left shortly after my discussion with Jake. He told me I made Bella happy but I don't think she'd be overjoyed with the news I was going to become _a_..._a father__. _Even thinking of it made me queasy.

I still didn't think I was able to face going home yet. I knew once I did I'd have to speak with Lauren and then tell my mother the news.

Then I'd lose Bella.

So was I such a horrible person to want to spend my last hour with her alone in our place? In our meadow? I didn't think so.

As soon as I'd suggested it she jumped at the chance to spend alone time and question me some more. She knew whatever Jake and I had spoken about had clearly affected me. She wanted to know what he said, though I think she already had an idea.

We got to the meadow at twilight and I didn't miss how ironic it was. Twilight was the end of another day. This was the twilight of my time with Bella. I knew if there was one thing I'd ever regret, it would be not telling her how much I loved her before I said goodbye.

We lay down together with my arm draped around her shoulders and it was perfect; _she_ was perfect.

"I love this time of the day," Bella remarked. "When the line between where the sun ends and the night starts blurs together."

"I've always found it depressing; the coming of night. But right now, here with you, I don't mind it so much."

She smiled into my shoulder and all I could do was watch her and savor every last-minute. "The night is anything but depressing; it's like a mystery waiting to be solved." She poked my chest with her index finger. "It's a lot like you."

I chuckled. "You're one to talk."

Bella ignored my jab at her. "The night is so similar to the daytime. The only exception being that the world changes from light, breezy colors to dark rich ones."

I gave her a crooked smirk. "Ever the artist."

"Ever the pessimist," she retorted and I dug my hands into her sides and watched her squirm and wiggle away from me in a fit of laughter.

She somehow managed to get herself trapped beneath me. My hand touched her cheek and I watched in rapt fascination as her eyes caught me up in their spell and that darling blush pooled in her creamy cheeks.

The mood had turned from playful to serious in seconds. All because I made the mistake of looking into her eyes.

"You are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen."

Her breath caught and she gazed at me, or into me it seemed.

"Edward, don't..." she begged and tried to look away.

Her rejection shot me through my heart and went straight through me, leaving me bleeding onto her. I had to struggle to control my breathing as I fought the lump in my throat that ordered me not to speak.

This was how Alice felt.

This was not being good enough.

This was love and _we were all fools._

_But she needed to know._

"I've never wanted anyone as much as I want you. You're all I ever think about."

She whimpered and her expression became pained. "Please..."

I wouldn't take it. She was going to know how much I loved her even if it killed me. "From the moment I laid eyes on you-"

"I can't take it. I don't deserve it," she rasped as her chest heaved and she tried to rid me off her body.

"...I knew I'd never feel this way again. I don't even know what I'm doing but I know I have to do it."

Tears ran down her cheeks but she finally held my gaze. With a low whimper I let myself fall into her. I only realized I was crying too when I placed my cheek against hers and felt our tears mix.

"I love you, Bella," I whispered into her ear. "I will always love you."

A sob left her throat and I placed a kiss on the shell of her ear before I stood up on shaky legs, leaving her crying on the grass floor.

This was love and it hurt like a _motherfucker_.

I felt hollow. Like my insides had just been torn out and put on display for her to walk all over. I began stumbling away until her voice stopped me dead in my tracks.

"It doesn't matter how we feel," she choked out. "If it did, I'd tell you I loved you too."

Slowly, I turned and found her still in a heap on the ground. "How can you say it doesn't matter?"

"Because I have things in my life that will keep us apart."

"So do I," I replied, my voice barely loud enough to be a whisper. "But I needed you to know how I felt about you. For the first time in my life I've connected with someone and I don't feel like I have to hide anymore. It matters to_ me_, Bella."

There was silence as she took in what I was saying and although she didn't reply, I could see it as clear as day in her eyes.

It mattered to her too.

"Your friendship has meant everything to me," I told her honestly. "You're the reason I've been so happy lately. Or _ever_."

"I've done nothing but make you miserable," she argued. "I've lied and betrayed your trust. You've given me everything and I can't give you anything in return. How can you not hate me?"

"I could never hate you."

She shook her head in confusion. "What is this? What are you asking for? _Me?_ You have me...I'm yours but only in a certain amount. That's all I can give you."

"I'm not asking for your love. I'm saying goodbye."

"G-goodbye?"

I looked at the grass and ran a hand through my hair. "I can't play this game with you anymore."

Bella gasped and shot up. "No! No, it's not goodbye! It's not a game to me! It's not...I can't lose you...You can't leave me..."

"I have other things-other people who I have to be there for..."

"No, _I need you._ I know it's selfish but you're all I have. You've come to mean so much to me, Edward, in such a short amount of time. I won't accept that as a-"

"Bella, Lauren's pregnant."

_Heartbreak._

_Shock._

_Pain._

_Love._

_Jealousy._

What little Bella had left of her mask was gone. It shattered into a million different pieces leaving her bare. All of those emotions took over their temporary place before one finally settled for good; devastation.

"I know it seems like we barely know one another. And it's true. I don't know your favorite cereal or what your first pets name was. I don't know what age you were when you had your first kiss or how many times you've told someone you love them. But I do know the important things."

She stood in the same spot and I wasn't sure if she was even listening anymore but I continued.

"I know your biggest dream is leaving Forks behind. You want to leave behind every bad memory you've ever had here and never look back."

"You want that too..." she accused.

"Yes, I wanted it too. But now I am chained. I'm chained to Forks _forever _and I'll never leave this place unless it's in a coffin. You know that it's true. This has to be my life now."

We stood in silence for I don't know how long. But Bella remained as still as a statue and it tortured me more to know I was the one causing her that pain.

"Do you love her?" Bella breathed.

"No. But I owe it to her and to the..._child _to stay._" _I had a hard time saying the word out loud.

Bella took a deep breath and I knew she was probably gearing up to shatter my world.

"My favorite cereal is Captain Crunch and I've never had a pet before."

My heart stopped beating and I looked at her in confusion. What the hell was she talking about?

"I was thirteen when I had my first kiss and I've said I love you hundreds of times before. Though I've only ever meant it once; that was about ten minutes ago when I said it to you."

"We can't-"

"I love you, Edward."

My eyes had closed on their own as I took an unsteady breath. A soft gasp left my lips when her hand touched my cheek. "Look at me."

I did as I was asked.

"We may not have forever," Bella told me, running that soft hand down my cheek. "But we'll always have tonight."

Her lips touched mine and my world was set on fire. She was the most perfect thing I had ever tasted and I couldn't stop myself from sucking on that luck bottom lip of hers. No wonder she could never stop biting it; it was fucking delicious.

Her hands tangled into my hair and brought my face closer to hers. My own hands settled on her hips and tried pulling her closer to me until there was no space left between our bodies. My tongue ran across her lip seeking permission and I groaned when her mouth opened and my tongue gladly welcomed hers.

My heart was beating erratically and I had to pull away from Bella's lips to breathe. My nose skimmed hers and my lips pressed softly against hers one more time.

"Say you'll let us have tonight?" Bella panted.

I'd been with Lauren before. But even so, tonight, Bella was going to be my first.

* * *

**Okay, I'm so so so so so sorry this is amazingly late and that I cockblocked you. By now some of you may know that my life has sort of crumbled as of late. Boyfriend cheated, got her pregnant, moved out blah blah blah... it's fucked up. As is life. But what can you do? I hope you'll forgive me if updating is a litte irregular. **

**Plus I also have another story going on at the moment. It was my entry for the _Driven to Desire Contest_ that won third place which I am now continuing. It's called _"Desire And Deception." _It contains some seriously sexy times so check it out.**

**Thank you to my beta, Dee. Love to you.**

**Please please leave a review and thank you to those who left one last chapter.**

**See you next time for some lemons ;)**

**~ Casey**


	8. If This Is All We Can Have

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.**

**Chapter 8: **If This Is All We Can Have

**-O~*~O-**

_Mom was sitting in the corner of the room, looking at the floor with dull, empty eyes. I think she wanted to be as far __away from me as possible. But even with her all the way across the room, I __could smell that she __reeked__ of__ whiskey._

_I sighed. I couldn't help her when I was stuck in this place._

_I was still in the hospital and although Carlisle told me I was doing better, I still wasn't ready to go home yet. It was frustrating to me, but if I was honest, a tiny part of me was glad when he told I wasn't able to leave just yet. It meant another day in bed. Another day without worrying if the landlord would ask for rent we didn't have and another night without having to clean my mother off when she messed herself in her drunken stupor._

_When I was in the hospital and people came around with __trays__ of J__ello and ice-cream, I felt like a regular kid._

"_Why'd you do it?" I heard a voice slur in the corner._

"_D-do what, Mom?" I whispered back, afraid of what the answer might be._

_She ignored me for a while before she let her head fall into her hands. Her body shook with her strangled sobs._

_"Why'd you have to leave me alone?"_

_Tears clouded my vision when I realized she wasn't talking to me._

* * *

Bella was giving herself to me completely for one night only. I knew it was wrong. I knew I shouldn't even be thinking about being intimate with her when I was in such a serious situation with Lauren.

Not only that, but I didn't carry around protection with me and I couldn't make the same mistake I'd made with Lauren. Not with Bella. It was her dream to leave Forks and I'd be damned if I was going to be responsible for making her stay behind.

But when she leaned up to kiss me again and whimpered a soft, _"Please?"_ I was gone. If she had of asked me to jump off a bridge, I would have. Seriously, the girl had me wrapped around her finger and for some reason that was exactly where I wanted to be.

"I love you, Edward," she breathed. "If this is all we can have, it's what I want."

I tried to breathe at what she was implying. I really, really, _tremendously_ wanted to but I had to make sure before we went too far that she knew what this meant.

"If we do this, we can't take it back."

"I know," she nodded and kissed my collarbone.

I gulped audibly. "I-it...it wouldn't mean anything. It won't change anything between us, even though I might want it to. We're still between a rock and a hard place."

"I know," she repeated and fumbled with the buttons on my shirt.

"Bella," I stopped her by grabbing one of her wrists. "I don't want you to get hurt. I'm going to be devoted to Lauren after this – to our _child. _I can't be what you need and I can't try to be; I won't have time."

My beauty stopped breathing for a second and I dropped her arms to her sides gently.

"What do you want me to say?" Bella asked, her eyes filling with tears.

"That you know it ends after tonight. That you understand what we're doing here before this goes any further." She looked down but I held her face in between my hands so she would look at me. "I won't be able to stand knowing that I hurt you."

She looked at me and one single tear drop fell from her eye. I watched as it slid down her cheek before it curved and fell to her chin. My thumb caught it before it could slip off her skin.

"I know, Edward. I know where you stand and I know that this ends tonight, one way or another. So I choose this way, knowing you love me and having you love me."

I smiled and kissed her forehead gently. "I love you. And I want to give you everything while I still can..."

"So... yes?"

"Yes, we will. But I have to go get..._something_ beforehand."

Bella looked at me quizzically. "Get something?"

My face turned fifty shades of red. I was about to make love to her, yet I couldn't bring myself to say _'condoms.'_ "Um...protection."

"Oh," she replied. "I'm on the pill but...we don't have to..."

I nodded. "Is this your first time?"

She looked down. Ashamed or embarrassed, I didn't know but it was one of them. "No, it's not."

I can't say it wasn't like knife twisting in my heart, because it was like that – _a lot. _But I didn't really have a leg to stand on; I'd slept with Lauren. _I'd impregnated her..._

"I'm clean though."

I tried to find my voice. "I'm ninety-nine percent sure I used a..._ condom _with Lauren."

Bella looked confused. "Then how is she...?"

"Apparently they're not always effective." I shrugged and tried to act like it wasn't a big deal. Bella's eyes narrowed but she let it go.

"I trust you. So that means..." she trailed off but she didn't need to continue. I knew what she was asking. _'We're going bareback?'_

"Yeah," I replied to her silent question. "I trust you too."

I tried to breathe steadily before I brought her lips to mine and placed a gentle kiss on them. Her lips welcomed mine in their soft embrace and I moaned at the taste of her as I sucked on her luscious bottom lip. My tongue peeked out, asking for entrance which Bella gladly allowed. Her breath mixed with mine and we both eased gently onto the soft grass below us.

Her hands ran up and down my shirt clad chest before they tangled themselves into my hair. They scratched and pulled but I delighted in everything she was giving me; pleasure, pain, lust..._everything._

My hands shook wildly as they slid up her body but I knew I needed to be brave.

Slowly, I broke away to ask for permission and when I received it, Bella removed her dress, shirt then her bra, leaving her bare except for her panties.

I'm not going to lie, for a minute or two, I just gawked before I gently cupped her breasts in my palms. They fit perfectly in my hands; they were like lemons. It was as if she was made for me. I had the sudden urge to taste them and before I even realized I'd done it, I had my lips closed over one of her puckered peaks.

"Oh fuck," Bella gasped.

Taking that as a good sign, I peaked my tongue out and swirled it around her pebbled nipple. She pressed her chest up, as if begging me not to stop but I had to give the other one equal attention_. I didn't want it to get jealous..._

As I sucked and nipped to my heart's content, while hovering over her, I hadn't realized my leg was placed between Bella's. Giving her the opportunity to torture me some more. She moved her right leg up and slid it back and forth, creating the most wonderful friction against my bulging package. Even in jeans, it felt awesome.

"Awh," I gasped into her neck.

"Edward, you're killing me," she whined and bucked her hips.

_Back at you, _I meant to say but I couldn't seem to find my voice.

Slowly, but not breaking eye contact, my hand slid down her stomach but stopped when I came to the waistband of her panties. She nodded her head in silent approval and my fingers continued exploring.

They dipped lower until I felt soft curls and wet skin. _She wanted me badly... _I could feel her desire against my fingertips.

"You'll have to show me...I've never really..." I told her awkwardly.

"It's okay," she smiled and her eyes darkened with hunger.

She placed her hand over mine and moved them both past her glistening folds. We stopped when we hit a nub and began rubbing in small circles before dipping down and running my fingers across her slit. _Then back up again_ to continue the motion.

I soon caught on and Bella was whining and crying like a woman possessed. _I loved it. _She bucked into my hands and tore at the grass beneath us until it was in shreds in her hands.

"I'm so close," she moaned and her hips bucked wildly. "I'm right there...I'm...I'm...Ugh!"

I felt her body shudder around my hands before her body sagged. Her breathing was rapid and I would be lying if I said I didn't feel like one smug son-of-a-bitch.

"That was...it was..." she couldn't breathe.

"Beautiful." I kissed her lips. "You're beautiful."

She smiled widely at me and kissed me again.

I stood and watched her as she lay naked in our meadow. It was so surreal, considering I'd imagined her like this so many times before. Spread out, naked in front of me; ready for me to claim her.

I began unbuckling my belt and sliding off my jeans and shirt while she tugged on the scrap of lace that was around her hips. She did so until it was off her delectable body and she was bare in front of me apart from _one thing_. She was about to remove her stockings when I stopped her.

"No!" I shouted and she looked up, wide-eyed. "The knee socks stay on."

She smirked and lay back again, allowing me to fulfill my first fantasy of being inside her with those legs and socks wrapped around my waist. She ogled my naked body as I stood in front of her. _Did she like what she saw? Was I __big enough? _Her eyes glazed over with lust and I got my answer.

I gulped. This was really about to happen.

Slowly, I lowered my naked self so I was hovering above her, my hands placed on the ground beside her head, holding most of my weight off of her. All I needed to do was push and I'd be in.

"You're sure?" I asked, though my voice broke on the last word.

"I'm sure of you." she replied and kissed my lips.

I shifted my hips forward and we were together; physically joined in the act of love-making. _B__ecause what we were doing was __no__where near fucking._

It wasn't lust that was making my heart swell.

Slowly, like at a snail's pace, I began moving until we found a rhythm.

"Edward," she breathed as I panted above her, my thrusts slow and measured, so I could feel and embrace every inch that was her.

_Bella._

"Oh...Oh...yes...it's so...I feel so..."

"I know," I rasped. "I feel you."_ In my heart and around my body..._

"Faster," she begged and clawed at my back, leaving her mark on my skin.

The pressure was mounting and it was way too soon. We'd only just begun and I was about to blow my load.

"I...I can't." I stopped moving and my head dove into her neck. I tried to calm my body.

"It's okay, Edward." Her hands ran through my hair soothingly.

"It's too quick. If I move, I'm going to come."

"Trust me, this is already beyond perfect. I want you to let go. Besides I've never even been able to.._.before_. It's not a big deal."

My head sprung up and I looked at her with wide eyes. _Whoever she'd been with had never been able to get her off?_

"Never?"

"Not like this," she shrugged. The movement made me groan and my head fell back into her.

But the more I thought about it, the more determined I became. Bella had never been with someone who could give her what her body needed to reach completion. Or whoever she'd been with hadn't really cared as long as he got off. The thought of someone else touching her made me green with a jealous rage.

But I swore to myself that I would be different.

I, Edward Masen, was going to make Bella come.

Slowly, I began thrusting my hips, sliding in and out of her tight velvety wetness. Bella cried and her legs wrapped around my waist tighter.

_Oh sweet lord, she's trying to kill me..._

I thought of horrible things; puppies dying, my grandfather...anything to make this last longer. But it was coming closer; I could feel my body tighten and reminding me of how much of a virgin I really was. Apparently to your body, drunken nights you can't remember don't actually count...

My hips began to take a faster pace. I couldn't help it but once I felt my release creep forward, I was sixty percent trying to get Bella off and thirty percent chasing my own release.

As those numbers changed, my body took over and plowed into her wetness mercilessly. It was like an out-of-body experience. Something deep inside took over and I couldn't control myself any longer.

"Ungh...Ungh...Bella! Oh!" I was grunting like an idiot but I didn't care.

"Ah...I...I'm..." she moaned. _Holy fuck! She's close... I can really do this..._

I increased my pace, feeling the ball of pressure build in the pit of my stomach. But I needed to get her there first.

For the first time since I'd entered her, I stopped to make a mental image. I'd been too busy trying to hold off my orgasm I didn't even stop to appreciate the scene. It was beautiful. I watched her as she cried my name and clung to my body, her legs wrapped around my waist as I slowly disappeared in and out of her. Her long brown tresses cascaded around her perk, creamy breasts while I showed her pleasure. _Mind, body and soul._

It was awesome, to say the least.I would never forget this moment, not in my entire life.

Finally, out of nowhere it seemed, _it _happened. And by God, it was incredible.

The pressure became too much for her. She threw her head back and bit down on her bottom lip as her walls constricted around me.

"HOLY FUCK!" she screamed and bit into my skin while she spasmed.

"Oh God, you're coming...oh God, you're coming..." was all I could seem to repeat as I gave a few frantic thrusts into her. She was so fucking tight when she came, it was like her body just enclosed around me.

And it was out of my hands. I was gone. I _fell_ and _sc__reamed_ and _cried_ and I didn't give a fuck about anything else because I was with my Bella. That was all that mattered.

"Awwwww!" I moaned as I made a few jerky movement in her before I rolled us to the side. My body had gone limp on top of her and I didn't want to crush her. She was so tiny.

I was blissful. I was happy. Nothing could hurt me.

"I-I love you," she choked out. I opened my eyes and watched as crystal swells of liquid spilled from her brown orbs, down her cheeks.

That's when I realized that after this I'd never be happy again. And I was vulnerable; so easily broken. _Like old times..._

This was the end for us.

I never believed in love before Bella came into my life. She had changed me in so many ways. Her words and the acknowledgment of what they meant, caused my heart to clench painfully and her tears wounded me more than anything ever could.

Still inside of her, I skimmed my nose off hers before I gently captured her lips with mine; showing her the depths of my affections rather than speaking them, because words could simply not convey what I felt for her.

There would never be another like Bella.

She was the only person I would ever _love_.

She sobbed harder, clinging to my body as if it would force me to stay and I knew why I never should have done this; I knew it would hurt her. I knew we would both need more. But I was selfish and I wanted her too much. _I love her too much._

"I'm sorry," I repeated over and over as I kissed her hair and wrapped my arms around her just as tight.

I wished this changed something; that somehow my problems would disappear because she loved me. That's how it felt when I was with her; that I hadn't got a care in the world.

But it couldn't. I was leaving tonight to go home, to face Lauren and my family, I had to leave Bella behind. I had to leave her so she could have the life she deserves. Even if it killed me to go and watch her move-on.

Allowing myself one more kiss, I let my head fall into the crook of her neck, inhaling her sweet scent one last time.

"I wish...I wish it didn't have to be like this." I cried into her skin. Then, with all the strength I could muster, I pulled out of her warm, tight flesh and a whimper of pain sounded from us both. The feeling of loss was tremendous and it was torturing me.

"Please, Edward..." she begged through wails, although she knew it would make no difference. She clawed at my skin again but she wounded my heart more.

"I'm sorry," I whispered again as my eyes blurred and my hands shook. "Forgive me."

That was it.

I'd never be complete again.

* * *

**Hey everyone, I know this chapter and the one before it was very doom and gloom but I promise that things WILL lighten up. I think it's just because I'm in a shitty mood lately.**

**Thank you to my Beta, RND4EVA, for her wonderful beta-ing. Love to you, Dee.**

**Thank you for all the wonderful reviews and please leave another to tell me if you enjoyed the sexy times.**

**Don't forget to check out my other story, Desire and Deception. It's got a good reception so far so maybe it's something you might enjoy also ;)**

**Finally, thank you for everyone's kind words to me in this hard time in my life. It's good to know I have Fanfiction and you guy's when my Real life has gone to crap. Things get better though, I know that. But it's nice to know I have other people behind me to brighten the days that are not so good. **

**Love to you all,**

**Casey**


	9. Oh I Made A Joke

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer Owns Twilight**

**Chapter 9:** Oh... I Made A Joke

_I looked around the large office-like room. It was painted in a soft orange color with deep brown furniture scattered everywhere. The first thing that caught my attention was the huge bookcase filled with hundreds of thick paged books. There were so many that they all didn't fit in the bookcase and some lay in piles in the corners of the room._

_It seemed strange. At home, I had exactly four books and they were my most prized possessions. To have so many that you got careless and left them in piles around the room seemed unimaginable to me._

_"Do you like to read?" A voice startled me. A dark-haired man with green piercing eyes stared at me. He was tall and wore a black suit with a shocking red tie._

_I said nothing and after a moment he realized he wasn't going to get an answer. "I asked a question and I expect an answer. It's the polite thing to do; answering a person rather than ignoring them."_

_I immediately didn't like this man._

"_No?" he asked with a raised eyebrow as he sat himself in a large wooden chair. "Alright then."_

_We sat in silence for around ten minutes. He typed on his phone and I sat gazing at all the books._ There were so many! _I wondered what kind of books they were and if I was allowed read any of them._

_Finally, the man placed his phone down and began speaking._

"_Do you know who I am?" This time he didn't wait for an answer. "I'm Doctor Dimitri Alekzandrov and I'm here to help you get things off your chest. I'm a therapist, we talk and help people work through any issues they may have."_

_Dimitri's voice aired apathy and the entire time he spoke, his eyes wandered aimlessly around the room. "Like I said, I'm here to help, Edmund."_

"_It's Edward," I whispered back._

"_Right, yeah. Sorry, kid," he murmured. He didn't seem at all sorry._

"_What...do I have to do?" I asked, my voice still barely above a whisper._

_He shrugged. "You can talk. I can talk. I can prescribe you some pills and you'll feel better."_

_Even as a child I knew it wouldn't be that easy._

_Carlisle was wrong when he said this would help me._

* * *

Life never seemed to get any better for me. I mean, I finally had something I desperately wanted. That chick with the striped socks; _my_ Bella. But of course, I couldn't keep her because karma had evidently come around to bite me in the ass. _Yet again._

I made sure Bella got home safely, neither one of us spoke a word to each other on the ride home. But when I pulled up to her house, we gave each other one last desperate look, and that one look said it all, _"If only things were different..." _She squeezed my hand before we got out of the truck. I kept my eyes on her the whole time I got into my car.

But she never looked back. She didn't even sneak a glance out of her window when she went inside. I'd know if she did. I waited outside her house for a half hour after she left. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't bear to leave.

I shook my head to rid the thoughts of Bella from my mind. I had a lot more to think of now, like getting a job, raising a child and becoming a parent.

But first on my list was telling my Mom I'd knocked someone up._ Great, can't wait..._

She was already going to be pissed for a number of reasons.

_One: _I'd basically exploded at Bella's psycho mother in front of her and then stormed out in fury. _I wonder if Renée found out what I did to her beloved garden yet? _The image of her face when she saw my vomit all over her yard was enough to make me smile. At least for a moment.

_Two:_ I left with Bella after going to her home. I was my Mom's ride considering I had the car keys. I'd basically left her stranded, which meant either Renée had to drive her home or she had to call Carlisle to come from the hospital to pick her up.

_And lastly, three:_ I hadn't come home all night. Nor did I call her and tell her where I was. I could've been dead in a ditch and she wouldn't have known.

So to sum things up, Esme was going to be pissed. Especially when I tell her Lauren is pregnant.

But even so, I couldn't bring myself to regret being with Bella last night. It was as if the time we spent together, although it hurt saying goodbye, gave me the strength I needed for today.

I felt I could face anything. _Except may__be my Mom..._

**-O~*~O-**

I was just pulling up into the driveway when Mom came out the front door, glaring at me with her hands on her hips. All she was missing was the rolling-pin and hair curlers.

I thought it was impossible, but when I saw her eyes were red from crying, I felt like an even bigger dick than I had before.

She started before I even had time to get out of the car. "Where the hell have you been? Carlisle and I have been worried sick! Are you doing drugs? Is this what this is about? I know you weren't happy about going to see Renée but I believe that if you have a problem, she can help you. I mean, what else am I supposed to do? You refuse to see a therapist. We're willing to get you a different one; not Dimitri. Although, he's been with you for years. I don't know why you want to change now. But Carlisle has a friend who comes highly recommended-"

"Mom, just stop," I begged, even to my ears my voice sounded defeated and weak.

Her hard glare softened a bit and more tears spilled down her cheeks. "I just want to know what's going on with you."

I walked over and took her hand in mine. "Let's go inside. We'll talk."

She followed me in and Carlisle's disappointed face was the first thing I saw as I entered the house. I felt guilty for a moment, until I realized I didn't give a fuck what he thought of me. _I had bigger fish to fry._

Mom sat down on a chair in the kitchen and Carlisle took the spot next to her. They were both staring at me, waiting for an explanation. I don't think I'd ever had to answer to someone like this before. The only person who I ever really had to answer to was _him_ and he certainly never waited for an explanation.

I didn't really know how things like this went. Did I tell them everything in one go? Give them the good news or the bad news first? Or maybe we could do this like a Q&A. "Um...What do you want to know?"

Mom and Carlisle raised their eyebrows in unison. "Well...where were you last night?"

_With Bella. _"Out."

"Out where?"

_In our meadow. _"I don't know."

Mom slapped her hand on the table. "Goddammit Edward!"

I jumped in fright and cowered back slightly, but remained in control.

"_Esme_," Carlisle's voice warned.

Mom took a breath. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled. But vague answers are not going to cut it. We asked for the truth."

I couldn't give them the truth. I couldn't tell them I was with Bella, not when Renée and Mom were so chummy with each other. If told her and she told Renée, it would ruin the memory of our last night together. I couldn't do that.

"I'm giving you all I can."

"It's not good enough. Where were you yesterday, Edward?" Mom demanded, sternly.

Yesterday, now that I could give her. "I was in La Push. I have a friend down there who is a mechanic. I went to his house for a while." I shrugged.

She studied me intently, apparently deciding whether I was lying to her or not. When she finally came to her conclusion, she nodded her head and continued probing me.

"What's going on between you and Bella Swan?"

_Fuck..._

"Um...I don't know what you're-"

"Don't lie to me, Edward," Mom insisted.

I shrugged and my forehead scrunched up to show her I didn't know what she was talking about. "W-we're biology partners. That's all..."

"Her mother seems to think you're more than that."

I remained silent. Renée was onto us? Well, good job there wasn't an _us_ anymore. "Even if I was," _Or had been_, "What's so wrong with me being with Bella? Am I not good enough? Do you and your friends disapprove?"

Mom sighed. "Edward, Bella has worked so hard to get into a prestigious art school. She takes extra classes just so she can stay on top. If something, or someone, were to distract her, she could lose everything she worked for. Now you know I think you're the most handsome, terrific boy, but do you really want Bella to lose everything?"

A snort came from behind us. "Bella? The chick with the striped socks and the Christmas jumper?"

"Jasper!" Carlisle yelledin warning, but it didn't seem to faze him.

"You and striped socks, Edward? Dude!" Jasper laughed.

"Beat it, stoner!" I shouted at the same time Carlisle shouted, "Get out!"

I slumped down on the chair knowing now Jasper wouldn't keep his mouth shut. Unless it was smoking pot, Jasper's mouth was blabbing something to his friends. Rosalie Hale was going to make Bella's life hell when she found out. I'd have to warn her. _Which means I have an excuse to speak with Bella..._

"Edward, you have to end it with Bella," Mom said softly, ignoring Jasper.

I couldn't stop the bitter laugh that slipped from my lips. "You're a bit late."

"And so is Lauren," Jasper shouted and laughed boisterously. My head flung up to look at him with wide-eyes. Even through his glassy eyes, he caught my expression. "Dude, you didn't tell them yet? Sorry, my bad."

"What's he talking about?" My mom asked frantically, though by the look on her face I think she got Jasper's joke. She just didn't want to believe it.

"Oh, I made a joke…" he replied with a goofy smile on his face. "It was pretty funny actually but you have to know about-"

"Nothing! You don't have to know anything! Jasper is high as a kite. He doesn't know what the fuck is going on." I tried to laugh, though even to my ears it sounded forced. "Right, Jasper?"

His eyebrows furrowed. "Well, I did eat them brownies...and took a hit from that bong...Dude, you're right! I'm totally fucked up." He chuckled and put his hand up for a high-five. I avoided it like the plague, thinking if I touched him I might catch idiot.

"See? You could slap him in the face and he wouldn't even feel it, he's that messed up. We shouldn't listen to Jasper. _Ever_."

I didn't know why I was bothering lying. I had to tell her eventually. Why not sooner rather than later? I couldn't be _that _scared of my mother. _Could I?_

I gulped and the room began to close in on me. But I had to do this.

"Actually, Jasper's not that high. Well he is," I corrected and Jasper nodded. "But I need to tell you-"

"Yes, I agree!" Carlisle cut me off. We all looked at him, thinking he'd gone crazy. "Edward and I should take a walk and everyone else should clear their heads here. Edward, come on." He grasped my shoulder and practically pulled me out the door with him.

**-O~*~O-**

"Who is she, when was it and are you sure it's yours?"

I spit the coke he'd just bought me all over the table. I think everyone in the tiny McDonald's had turned to look at me to see if I was dying, or maybe to watch me die. Either one. _Good job Carlisle was a doctor..._

"H-how?" I wheezed.

He rolled his eyes. "If your mother wants to fool herself, fine. But I know Jasper and even if he is high as a kite most of the time, he's nothing if not honest. Besides, I'm not so dense, Edward. I could see something has been bothering you."

I smiled sadly. "I only found out yesterday. That was something different that's been bothering me."

"Something serious?"

"More serious than bringing a child into the world? Um...no. Probably not," I replied sarcastically.

"Hey! I'm going to help you so don't act like a smart ass."

I sighed, knowing he was right. "You're right, I'm sorry."

"Good," he smiled.

"But I don't need your help."

He raised a blonde eyebrow. "You don't?"

"No. I can handle this myself."

"Oh?" he smiled knowingly. "So I take it you know how far long she is?"

_How far long? L__ike how tall she is? _"Um..."

"And you have a plan sorted out for the future? If you're going to college; where the baby will be when you're in college; who is going to stay home and care for it?"

"Well..." I was sweating and pulling at the neck of my shirt.

"I suppose you also know where you're going to live since I don't think your mother will be too supportive?"

I felt sick.

"And I suppose you don't have a birthing plan or know what doctor will be delivering the baby?"

A shaky hand ran through my hair. "We haven't nailed down any concrete plans yet..."

"But you don't need help? You can handle all this by yourself?" he asked again and leaned back in his chair, smugly. He knew he had me beat.

"Fine," I snapped. "I can't do this. I'm not ready. Are you happy?"

The smile disappeared from his face. "No, I'm not. You're in a bad situation."

I laughed through my nose and smirked crookedly. "Aren't I always?"

He smiled sadly, knowing it was true. "Are you and Lauren still together?"

I shook my head. "We were never together. It was just the one time and I used a condom, but Emmett said it's not always effective-"

"Wait," Carlisle stopped me. "So you weren't together?"

"Right."

"It was only the one time you were together and you used protection?"

I nodded my head again. "Trust me; I could barely look at myself the first time it happened. Never mind go back for more."

"So how exactly are you sure the baby is yours?"

I stopped and thought. "Well...she said it is..."

He sighed and looked at me angrily. "And that's all the proof you needed? She said it is so it must be right? You had sex with this girl, dumped her like yesterday's garbage and now she says she's having your baby. Oh, of course, why ever would she lie to you?"

I realized how stupid I must have looked to him. But I guess in this matter I was just a stupid kid.

"Get your ass up, we're going to her house and we're going to get this sorted. If she's adamant this baby is yours then as soon as she hits the thirteen weeks mark we're getting a non-invasive paternity test."

He stood and strode to the car. I could only watch him in wonder.

"Oh and you are not to tell your mother until we're one hundred percent sure. She has enough on her plate without her not-even-legal son having an illegitimate child with a woman who has been passed around more times than a cold."

I think my mouth was hanging open. Never had I heard him be so crass. He was always so gentle, so caring. It turns out Carlisle was actually kind of a badass. I'd never admit it to anyone, but in that moment, I looked at Carlisle like the father I never had.

"Come on, would you?" he urged.

"Coming," I replied with a small smile on my face.

This may be the second time Carlisle Cullen saved my life.

* * *

**Um...Hi!. I know it's been a while but I went away on holiday and only came back recently. Sorry.**

**Hope you enjoyed this chapter anyway, I loved writing Carlisle and Edward's talk so I hope you enjoyed it too. Leave a review and tell me?**

**Thank you to my beta, Dee. No matter how much crap we all have going on she never lets me down. Love to you, Dee.**

**Thank you for all your reviews and everyone who has stuck with me even though I'm shit at updating. (Sorry again about that.)**

**Don't forget if you're looking for something naughty to read, my new story Desire and deception should tick that box, over and over again. ;) Check it out if you have the time.**

**Have a good week and I'll see you later (hopefully)**

**~ Casey**


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